Coming

I have been given the opportunity to write a reflection each week of Advent for a church and it has given me a greater appreciation and understanding of a season that I have celebrated since my childhood.  The word Advent comes from the Latin word meaning ‘coming’.  The Advent season gives us a chance to celebrate the coming of Christ through his birth as well as to prepare ourselves for His second coming.  

Advent is composed of the four Sundays prior to Christmas and ends at sundown on Christmas Eve.  For many of us, as children we remember at home and church an advent wreath composed of three purple and one pink candle.  Each week as we gathered for dinner we would light a specific candle.  As a kid, the Advent wreath was like the Christmas calendar that served as a countdown until that wonderful day of gifts– you know Christmas!  

Well, as I have had the chance to write about each week and the scripture readings for that week.  I have grown in my appreciation of Advent and anticipation for Christ.  I look at the advent wreath and instead of a tradition, I see purple candles representing our Kings royalty, a pink candle representing the joy we have, an evergreen wreath representing life, and finally the flames that represent our burning desire for Christ.  Think about the advent candles; the first Sunday we light only one candle and it burns by itself signifying our waiting and anticipation for our Lord.  Then each week, we light one more candle and by the end four candles are burning and hopefully this represents also our desire on the inside that we have grown and intensified in our burning desire we have for our Lords coming.  Of course, we are not only to anticipate and rejoice in our Lord’s coming once a year but I find for me it is good to have a reminder each year and it helps prepare me for the months that lay ahead.

God is joy and as the family of God He calls us and gives us joy.  We give gifts to family and friends because we love them and want to bring them joy.  Well God has a gift for each of us this Christmas and it will not be a toy or a new outfit that will be opened with delight and then forgotten about in 6-months.  God’s gift is timeless and is His son, Jesus Christ.  Jesus came to us as a gift of our Father’s mercy; He does not desire a life and death of a sinner for us but desires us to be converted and to live in peace and joy here and forever in heaven with Him.

In Advent we get to read about the preparations made for Christ from the perspective of Joseph (his earthly father), Mary (his mother), and John the Baptist (his cousin).  The forth Sunday we read about John leaping in his mothers room upon hearing Mary’s greeting and knowing that Christ was in his midst (inside of Mary’s womb).  Mary was the first Tabernacle to carry Christ and she brought Christ to all whom she came in contact with.  2,000 years later, we too are tabernacles and are called by our Baptism to bring Christ to others.  Do others leap with joy when we greet them?  Can others feel the presence of Christ when we enter a room?  This should be our goal, not only during Advent but all through the year.  That through our actions and speech, others will know Christ is among us.  It is not through our own confidence or greatness that others will know Christ is among us but our willingness to be his servant and allow Him to lead us in all of our life.  May we proclaim and give our lives as readily as Mary, as she proclaimed, “I am the handmaid of the Lord.  May it be done to me according to your word.”

Teaching & Thanksgiving

Sometimes as adults we fail to break down things to meet people where they are.  In some areas I am more knowledge then others and I am sure I have been guilty of trying to teach them yet failing to meet them where they are at in their level of understanding.  In the same way, I know others have talked over my head on things that I do not understand and in all honesty not always as interested in because it does not seem relevant to me (aka cars).

But a good teacher is always able to speak and teach at the level of their audience.  This is why education majors learn many different ways that people learn as well as ways to engage their audience so they are able to see if their audience understands the content.

Yesterday at mass in Corsicana, I was able to see a wonderful example during the morning mass attended by the elementary school children.  The children from the very beginning were active participants on their level.  As they entered the church they walked to the altar and left can food items for those that are less fortunate.  After leaving the items at the foot of the altar they each bowed in respect to the ultimate gift of love made by Christ for us.  They then took their seats and mass began.  Like many school masses, the students made the choir, the readers, and altar servers but following the gospel reading by Father Jason, he called the eighth grade class up to perform a skit based on the gospel reading that the class wrote.

Through this effort, the eighth graders dug into the reading to understand the words of God more fully then if they had just read it in advance.  You see, not only did they need to know the story but they had to be able to interpret the story of Jesus healing ten and only one returning to give thanks and praise to be able to retell the story in a modern way to the entire school.  The students did a great job of retelling this story and telling it in terms that all children could understand.  They did it in the format of a news-reporter interviewing Jesus and the ten.  Each of the nine gave an excuse why they did not return to give thanks and praise and these excuses ranged from updating their facebook status or watching a movie.  You see these kids understood the story but they also understood for them what got in the way of them giving thanks to God.

After the skit, Father then talked to the children and asked them what they are thankful for and each gave an account of what they had that they gave thanks for.  Everything we have comes from God and when we realize like Job that nothing is ours but we are given and entrusted these things and people to care for we become much more generous and not so materialistic in our life.  Perspective is amazing and as the Christmas items are out in the stores already and the commercials begin, it is easy to be caught in the mentality of I want, I need, I deserve, but the reality is – nothing that we have is ours, we are only stewards entrusted with it by God.  So do well with what you are given, no matter how large or how small and at the same time give thanks for what you have.  For when we really think about it we have so much. 

On the Camino this was something I was constantly aware of.  With only having what I carried, I became aware of how much I took for granted… washers, dryers, q-tips, dr. pepper, lotion, clothes, car, heating, air conditioning, private bedroom, clean water, hot water, etc.  Before the Camino, I gave thanks for my family, friends, church, job, etc – you know the big things but I never really gave much thought to all the things I used so carelessly in my everyday life.  You see I had the mentality of this is normal or even entitlement while I am not entitled to any of the blessings I have been given and yet for all these years I failed to give thanks to the one whom gave them to me.  So, thanksgiving is coming up and as we gather to give thanks – realize thanks is a daily thing not a once a year activity to share.

Well, I decided to head up to Monserrat for a day trip and I am very thankful that I did not make the Madrid flight and decided to move on to Barcelona. I left early in the morning and after walking, catching a bus, and then the metro... I arrived at the air lift still before it opened. So I was part of the first group to arrive at the mountain and then I headed straight to the basilica. Upon, arrival I first went to see the Madonna statue before the crowds came. As I approached the statue I felt alone and it was so calm and peaceful. There was a woman there with me but the church was empty and beautiful. The Madonna overlooks the basilica and when you ascend the steps there is an opening so everyone in the church can see the Madonna but you can also see the entire church from a birds-eye view.

After I had a good while, I heard the elementary school children coming up the stairs and that gave me my cue it was time to leave. I rode the air tram up with the group and the teachers kept making apologies for the children's excitement but I simply smiled. I cannot even begin to think how awesome it is for the kids school field trip to a religious site and the extreme work the teachers have to do to ensure small children are respectful there and maintain some kind of silence.

As I descended the stairs I opened the small chapel door and entered where I was alone. This small chapel is beautifully decorated and the back of the Madonna statue can be viewed above the altar, every now and then you can see someone touch the exposed part of the Madonna as they offer up there prayers. In the small chapel, I began singing the divine mercy chaplet and just had such a sense of peace and contentment as I prayed. Every now and then, someone enter and I would begin singing quietly to myself, so as to not disturb their prayer but once they left it was all about singing to our lord.

After that, I left and entered the main sanctuary where mass would begin in 30 minutes and read the readings while I waited. The brothers entered first and waited and i was a bit sad seeing that this order only had ten brothers but as the mass began it was truly wonderful watching so many priest precede in. I did not count but I would guess there was over 20! Mass was lovely and I am fairly confident it was not done in Spanish or if it was Spanish it had to be some different kind of dialect then what I have been use to.

After mass, I checked out the Cisneros abat where I wanted to have lunch but of course, lunch does not start until 1:30, because really who wants lunch earlier than that! So I checked out the museum and they had some wonderful Christian paintings, some very old Torah scrolls, as well as some beautiful Christian chalices and monstrances.

After the museum, I went to get a seat for the 1 o'clock boys choir and wow the church was packed. My day had seemed so quiet and now literally the basilica was standing room only with school children setting on the floor. I took a seat on the steps by a side chapel and was there with the Spanish Red Cross. THe boys choir was lovely and there voices truly beautiful... Little angels! After that I headed to lunch and I am glad I waited. By far best meal of my entire trip. The place is classy - good thing I have the entire pilgrim dress thing going on - so I did not stand out at all (yes that is sarcasm).

The day at Monserrat was lovely and although I wanted to see my family especially my nephews for Halloween, I am glad that god had other plans and that I moved on to the next thing instead of forcing my plan (which would have been rerouting through countries to get home, booking a ticket, or waiting at the Madrid airport for the next flight - all of this passed through my mind the other morning). Lately, I have had some dreams of things I needed to teach daisy about my old job or the what is next for me in regards to my life and that is my subconscious saying, 'hey Kim, your trip is coming to an end. now what are you going to do?' and the answer that I have come to about what to do with my life and vocation is just this.

I am going to take a day at a time and try to move each day as I feel led by the Holy Spirit. It has been amazing watching the Holy Spirit work on this trip in my life and had I been stuck on my plan, I would have missed many great moments. I do not think I needed to go this pilgrimage to learn that, but I needed the pilgrimage to create the habit. Depending on which expert you talk to, the say it takes anywhere from 28-40 days to create a new habit.... Well this overachiever gave it 60 days to just let it sink in. But like anything, when push comes to shove, I might fall back into my old way and so this habit of just being led by the Holy Spirit will have to be something I daily remind myself as well as something I will continue have to pray because it has not been my first nature all these years.

This year, the catholic faith is celebrating the year of faith as a chance for us to grow more in our faith. So my question I pose to you, is what new habit are you going to put on in regards to your faith? As well as what one habit will you work on quitting as it prevents you from living your faith?

Avila & letting go

Well, another long bus drive and I arrived in Avila. It is really funny to me, how my bag - though bigger now from getting some stuff in santiago really does not feel like anything when I throw it over my shoulders for the short time that I wear it now. An hour of walking with the bag is nothing because I know a long rest is coming where I drop it off where I am staying!

Well I arrived in Avila, entered the city walls and took accommodations at the first place. Avila has some impressive, still standing city walls from the medieval days - pampalona and burgos were also impressive. I then left by bag in the room and headed for mass at San Pedro's which was happening in half an hour. It is dark and it was nice walking in the old city on the cobblestone streets and passing the cathedral at night. Tomorrow evening, I'll attend mass at the cathedral along with vespers.

I got to San Pedro's for the end of the rosary and then mass started. I have been so blessed with being able to attend mass as often as I have on this trip and I always feel much better when leaving then when I arrived. Plus, although daily mass at the convent in Portugal was nice, I am glad to be back in Spain where I better understand what is being said. After mass, I grabbed a sandwich and called it an early night. I have never gotten off of the pilgrims timetable of bed by ten and up at six something.

This morning, I left while still dark and walked the streets almost alone to San Jose convento, the first convent founded by st Teresa. The morning walk of silence was completely in contrast to last nights walk to san pedro. the streets were filled with people and noise and literally the plaza was last night was like a school field with kids running around everywhere - now it was just me and my thoughts. The Carmelites began laudes before mass and here they are completely removed from the publics eye for complete enclosure as a cloister. You see the metal grate about four feet by four feet and you hear the nuns movement behind it, but you never see them. The only time you saw a nun, was right before they were to receive communion, a small door (similar to the tabernacle door) opened at the side altar and you could see a nun waiting and this is where the priest gave each nun her communion.

So back to my point, we all have those friends that when we need prayers we go to. They seem to have a closer relationship with god then we do and it is usually because they only focus on the important stuff and let the other small stuff go by. This is what I see the nuns in cloister life have done. They focus and commit their life to the important stuff- god and prayer and they ignore the little stuff of the world. Yes, most cloisters have to work, just like you and I to make money to pay for lights and food but for them, even their work is a prayer. How often was my job just work.... I missed many opportunities to offer my job up to The Lord as a prayer. Imagine, if we were all to be in this habit of offering our job as a prayer to The Lord how much more fulfilling our jobs would be but also how much more god could use us in our jobs. So although we will not choose the clothing habit of a nun, let us choose the working habit of a nun!

After my morning at st Jose convent which included touring the museum and speaking to a nun through the wheel, I then headed to the monastery of the incarnation, where st Theresa spent the first 30 years of her religious life. Here you could see how and why st Theresa left because the life here was still very attached to the world. From the parlor where visitors were taken (a place that st Teresa experience visions of our lord) to the size and amenities of the room it was hard to leave the comforts of the world to focus solely on god. Trying to make sacrifice and live a simple life without luxuries, st Theresa used a log for her pillow. This made me smile, as I think of the beds I have been in that have lacked comfort and my desire was a better bed, not that I chose to offer that up to our lord. Well, st Teresa grew at this monastery in her spiritual life before she left to reform the order. Comparing the two lifestyles of convents, it is easy to see why Jesus told us it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of god, not because money is evil but usually we place a high importance on the money in our life and fail to realize money is simply money and not that important in the grand scheme. Instead we think of buying a new car, a bigger house, more clothes, a purse to match the dress, our hobbies, our interest, etc.... Then, you have the other people that although they are not constantly buying, they are the savers - planning for their retirement (yes this would be the people like me) and once again money in this sense still can be evil as it is where we place our emphasis. We are reminded in the bible that we are not promised tomorrow so why store up treasurers on earth. So I can see where a life of chosen poverty can produce real spiritual fruits as we depend on god instead of money, others, or ourself. Of course, this is easier said then done because walking away from comforts is really hard. As much as I have walked away from to follow gods will in my life, I still have a lot that I have not walked away from. I am not a Peter, jumping in the water swimming after Jesus - I am a bit slower as I am rowing up to Jesus in the boat. I will get there, I have faith that god will bring me there, I am just not ready to get rid of my metaphorical boat yet!

Miracle

While I was in Portugal, I decided to take a day trip from fatima to the town called Santarem. Santarem is home to st. Stephens church which houses the miraculous Eucharist from the 13th century. It was only an hour bus trip and once I arrived, although there are no signs pointing the way (or nice yellow arrows), I was ableto find the church easy enough. As I came down an old narrow cobblestone street that had modern stores on it, I approached the outside of a church which looked a bit run down. Most churches on my trip that I have visited were well-maintained but this church needed a capital campaign fund. I do not know the age of the church but it is at least 800 years old based on when the miracle happen. As I entered st. Stephens, the church was empty except for three other people. I walked on the side and prayed at the side altar. The church interior by the altar has been well-cared for but funds for the columns which house beautiful sculptures have not been well-cared for.

Out of all the churches I have been in, this church holds one of the most remarkable miracles and yet like so many things in life; if we were to judge the outside we would walk by to a large magnificent church instead of this humble church. The comparison for me of this church and the miracle inside is also how we see people. The exterior appearance or that first layer that people put on to protect themself or hide themself really does not matter, it is what is on the inside which matters. If only we took the time to get to know the miracle that each person carries on them in the inside. Reasons I love the camino - we never looked at the outward appearance.

Well, the man at the church came and took me and the husband and wife from Columbia to see the Eucharist miracle. We walked up by the altar and entered a side door which took us up some steps and we waited directly behind the altar in the back room while the gentleman unlocked the door. I waited off to the side to allow the others to go before me and I wanted to wait to see the Eucharist until it was my turn to bow before it.

I prayed while I waited asking god to prepare me and if any doubting Thomas was within me that seeing this would remove that obstacle to my faith. You see since Christ instituted the last supper, Christians have celebrated this profound act which brings Christ body, blood, soul, and divinity to us in the form of the Eucharist (the bread). During Christ's time in the bible we see not all could accept this teaching and left Christ. Had Christ not meant what he said or had the people misunderstood, Christ would have called to them or taught his disciples what he really meant but we see from what he says to his disciples this is what he meant. It has only been the last four years that I truly understood and believed in the Eucharist the way that Catholics since Christ have viewed the Eucharist. The bread is not a symbol but it is truly christ transformed and offered for us - body, blood, soul, and divinity. During the past four years, as I learned more and grew, I used the miraculous Eucharist to teach the youth and now I have the chance to see the miraculous host with my own eyes.

After the other two went, they waited at the base of the stairs for my turn. As I looked up and saw the host, I went to my knees before being able to ascend the stairs for a close look. The emotion of the moment is truly not able to be explained. As I got up and began to climb the stairs, I was very slow. I would have thought, knowing me, I would have rushed up but instead I was very slow. As I got to the top, I just looked at this piece of host that had been consecrated into the body of our lord and then as a sacrilege was to take place the host began to bleed and transformed the people of that community.

For my non-catholic friends, the host is a small piece of bread which on the altar by a priest is consecrated and becomes the body, blood, soul, and divinity of our lord. There have been more than one Eucharistic miracle over the centuries and modern day scientist have tested them and they point towards truth not hoaxs. This host over many years would every now and then have blood come forth from it. It is sealed and held for veneration since very early on and pilgrims come on pilgrimage to see it.

Well at the top and gazing into the Eucharist, I then climb down the stairs and returned to my knees with the other two pilgrims. We all were looking up at the Eucharist when the husband started the Gloria which the wife and I joined in. I then returned to the main part of the church and just sat there praying. Looking at the tabernacle and the place where the Eucharistic miracle is kept. As I read my bible in the church it came so vivid and alive to me as it has never before.

I then returned back to fatima in time for mass at the convent, where I was able to receive our lord in the Eucharist. It was wonderful seeing the Eucharistic miracle but the real miracle is everyday all over the world, Catholics are able to receive Christ. I know on this journey, the days I get I attend mass and receive Christ are better then days I do not. People on the camino could also notice a difference not only with me but others when we went a couple days without a mass verses when we came from mass.

The photos are some postcards they had at the church.

So after constantly walking and getting fresh air, the very long bus trip to fatima was well long (especially since I am known for getting car sick). So my arrival was to rain and darkness coming in. While on the bus, a lovely woman whom I had only had a brief conversation with, since I was trying to sleep had wrote me a note. Which included lodging recommendations with some nuns by the angel of Portugal statue. So as I walked to the sanctuary it was empty - just a large massive area with nobody. I asked a nun for directions showing her the name of the convent and she pointed the way and continued going the opposite way. Either I looked pathetic or simply god was blessing me but a bit later I felt the nun come from behind and walk me to the correct street. She then gave me a blessing and sent me on my way. It was pouring down rain and she went really out of the way for me.

So I arrive in darkness and rung the bell and sister Maria welcomed me. This is where I learn Spanish and Portuguese are not the same but we make it work and I get a room. She shows me to my cell and I get out of my wet clothes and have a great nights sleep. My body needed the rest and fatima has offered the rest that I needed physically.

I also have been blessed by complete strangers helping me when I had no plan - god comes in with his plan.

At my convent on the first day, I hung around there for the most part with laudes, adoration, vespers, and mass. I did go to the market as well as go see the chapel of apparitions as well as the basicilia. But mainly, I had a restful day of prayer. The nuns also invited me to sing vespers (in Portuguese of course) and I noticed I was on the side with the good singers. It felt a little bit like teen acts playing the drum on stage again but I gave it my all. I guess I was not that bad or they are all about grace because this morning they had me singing laudes with them.

After another amazing night of sleep and laudes I walked to the village of fatima and on the way did the stations of the cross. The rain and sky kept many people away, so I literally had the walk to myself. During stations you come across the site where a Marian apparition occurred as well as the spot where the angel of peace occurred. In the village I first walked and arrived at Francisco and jacintas childhood home. Across the road, the family has kept many artifacts and I met their niece whom was there older brothers Daughter. She was very kind and we worked together to understand the various things she tried to tell me.

From there I walked to the Parrish church and was alone there and then began my walk back down where I eventually made it to Lucia's house and where another appearance of the angel of peace was made. From there I returned to the sanctuary of fatima and entered the adoration chapel and saw some of the exhibits.

Part of my walk today, after I finished the stations of the cross was simply thinking about the message of fatima. Really the message that Mary always brings to gods people. She never brings glory to herself, but directs us to her son and to god. She calls us to repent of our sins and to pray for the world. You see, coming to places of Marian apparitions does not make someone pray to Mary but for many it draws you closer to Mary and just like a friend, we ask her to pray for us to her son. In the bible we find the example of Mary, interceding on behalf of the bridegroom at the wedding and Mary intercedes today on our behalf just like she did 2,000 years ago. You see every Christian believes in life after death, so simply speaking Mary is alive today- her soul as well as yours and mine are eternal. Our bodies will rot, our things will decay, but our souls were made forever.

So for me, I have enjoyed my time in fatima and the fact that it help deeper my appreciation for repenting not only of my sins but for the sins of the world. Especially those who have no one to pray for them. As I think of the people in the world that do not pray or have anyone to pray for them, it does sadden me. Remember, our souls are meant to last forever. to think that so many people know about god but turn their back to him and will spend eternity separate from him. This is not worth any short-term happiness that I can think of and yet so many people choose that life. I know, I have been down the short-term happiness path and focusing on self instead of god and I am grateful that for me I had the time to change my life. For I have known people that never had the chance to place god first and repent of their sins before their death. You see that is the beauty of this message it calls all of us home. It does not come for the perfect but calls us to the perfect love.

Camino de Santiago

Camino log

Where do I even begin about the 40 days I was blessed to be on the camino. To disconnect from talking with my friends so I could hear the most important voice in my life.

I have kept a journal but literally that would be like putting a book on this blog, so I am going to try and narrow down my experience.

First, I hiked the camino France's from st jean pied de port to santiago. There are many camino routes and pilgrims have hiked the camino for centuries. The shell represents many things and is the official symbol of the pilgrim. The shell represents our baptism, the many routes of the camino, as well as follows the legend of st James body returning to Santiago. The pilgrimage begins from your home, so I took a small shell from the house that had been collected many years ago on a family vacation.

Next, I was a bit unprepared for the journey but through the unpreparedness it made me rely on god. Hiking the camino without a real map or guidebook; true use of the language of the locals; or physically training. The 27 pound pack and my injuries constantly gave me a chance to literally carry my cross and to offer up my suffering to The Lord as a very small act considering the great act he did for me and all. Without going into great detail, here are my injuries that happened on the trip (ankle double size, pulled groin - made inclines and declines extra fun, tendonitis, knee and hip pain, plantar fasciitis, blisters, back pain, running fever, congestion, and cold). If I gave a name that is because I had a medical person sleeping next to me that gave me a diagnose. Getting the right stuff from a pharmacy is an entirely different story best told in person - lets just say i rock at charades! Now the reason I talk about the injuries is to simply give god credit for his grace that he bestowed upon me. Normally, the various injuries or illnesses would have made me quit (I saw many people hiking the camino for fun quitting when something happened) but instead I was able to keep on hiking 20 to 30kms each day because for me I had offered this journey up to god and he was with me. As I started out most days feeling the pain I asked god to remove the pain if his will and if I needed the pain for my spiritual growth that I would lovingly accept and offer it up to him for atonement for my sins but more for my love for him. Sometimes the pain would disappear and other times it remained. More than anything, that simple prayer made god my god and not my genie. If I went through my entire camino without pain and suffering it would have not been as enriching of an experience for me.

As I mentioned before, I quit communicating with my friends through commenting back and forth but I did continue to read their prayer request. And everyday as I walked for six to ten hours usually I spent them alone and I was able to vividly recall my family and friends and to pray for their needs (thus known and unknown to me) and I feel closer to most of those people then if i had been back home having dinner with them. Each day, I usually started my morning with the rosary and then the stations. Ever since Lourdes, the stations means so much more to me and I find that I cannot help but using different stations as part of my everyday conversation with fellow pilgrims. Often times when the pain was too great, the incline too much, or the decline too steep - I found myself praying the rosary and mediating on the 20 mysteries over and over again. I found a particular fondness for doing the rosary in order of Christ life.

On the camino, you meet many pilgrims from all over the world and for all types of reasons; those hiking for fun, the challenge, change, etc outweighs those that are intentionally making a spiritual pilgrimage but for all pilgrims you have too much time to reflect on your life to not think about god. Plus the trail, even when a bit out of the way always weaves through the town and passes by the church- coincidence, I think not. I had many conversations but I remember one night with a German fellow that had recently graduated college and my comment to him. After a very long talk on why we each hiked, I simply said, "that is the difference, you hike the camino to find yourself; while I hike to find myself through god." The rest of the conversation went something like: i went on this journey not to find myself but really gods will for my life. if we try to find ourself we will get more lost in selfishness for really we only need to seek god. For seeking god we will find him in everything including ourself. But seeking ourself we sometimes will lose god. Although I am on the camino de Santiago, the truth is I am on the way for myself that leads to god. We each must follow our call and go to him. I have had this talk and so many more meaningful conversations on the camino and it has been a great blessing for me.

Many people I met, left organized religion (which usually meant walked away from god) because of some hurt or misunderstanding. I know my job is not to save them, that alone is for god but I do know that he chooses to use us from time to time and this trip allowed me to be the person to listen and simply share how god has worked in my life and I could see the seed which was planted many years ago by god react to the little water that I shared with them.

I found on the trail and at night at the alburgues or the bar for dinner that I only wanted to have conversations that were meaningful otherwise I would rather be alone in my thoughts with god. Not that I did not have fun but I wanted to have real relationships and conversations otherwise I was wasting this opportunity to withdraw. On the camino, for most people you jump in and get real immediately as oppose to making small talk. It is amazing how quickly you learn so much about someone and how fast the cards are on the table. Here you do not start with what is your name, are you married, have children, what do you do.... Instead you ask why are you walking? Cuts to the core of who we are.

I started recording some of the spiritual graces that I received during my walk and at first I knew it was so I could remember them later on when i got home but then I realized 30 days in that they were intended for a very specific audience.

One such occasion was about providence. I had planned to hike to a certain town when I met some people and the Holy Spirit guided me to stay with them. That led me to meeting a guy from San Antonio on the trail and we had an amazing two hour talk about our faith. Then that night at the bar, I met up with him and we continued talking. Then some people he had met before sat at the same table. Through providence, the Dutchman shared he had lost his rosary on the first day of the camino which someone had given him for the trip. Without hesitation, I reached in my pocket and told him I wanted him to have mine. It was made by my faith community and I knew it was for him. He left with the girl from Galloway because they wanted to go see the cross before sunset. Four hours later, I felt these arms come around me and the Dutchman gave me a kiss on the cheek. He told me that earlier that day he felt like life was not worth living and asked god for a sign. He had felt abandon and losing the rosary so early on had just confirmed his thoughts. Then, on the day he asked for a sign a complete stranger hands him their rosary and he knew he was to live and god was with him. For the next few days I would run into the Dutchman on the trail or at the bar and Galloway told me he had not stopped smiling and wore the rosary always around his neck so he would not lose it. You see when I gave up my plans and let the Holy Spirit guide me it was amazing watching the Holy Spirit work through me- I saw countless ways that had I been on my plan I would have completely missed. The silence gave me much more time to hear and feel god working through me and to do his will.

There are many ways to do the camino, just as there are many people doing the camino for many reasons. I wanted to carry my cross and my backpack symbolized that - while many choose to send there bag by transport everyday. The locals joke - especially near the end of the camino is; little backpacks and big shells. Others hike a few days into or out of a major city and then take a bus to the next major city. While others hike maybe ten km daily and then take a taxi the next 15-20kms every single day. For me and what I will recommend is - once you start walking do not stop until you reach santiago. The constantly getting on and off the camino makes it more like a trip or vacation opposed to a actual pilgrimage. I realized, not everyone can walk away for 40 days like me but if you do the camino, just give yourself time and start at a distance that is right for you even if it is just the last 119km.

Initially on the camino, during the first part of the inclines and declines in the Pyrenees, I constantly thought about my sins and my failures. Yes, I know god has forgiven me but sometimes forgiving ourselves is the harder thing to accept. Then at some point in the middle section, I felt as if I had truly forgiven myself and just enjoyed the walk. This is when I entered the silence both internally and externally. If there was a section to go to the silence the middle part was great because most pilgrims skip this part. Literally in ronsavalles (people that hiked from st jean or people starting there) we had over 300 people and in the middle part I would go an entire day without passing another pilgrim or being passed. The final part for me was about being sent out into the world. Embracing what god wills for me and giving into him, 100%. In santiago, I was able to find a priest whom spoke English and as the church was closing the nuns held it open for us, he took my confession and spoke to me of the new evangelization. What my ending thoughts on the camino - where to go from here- was being said to me in the confessional, truly remarkable.

To close out my camino trip, I want to go back to the pain and suffering. It was about day 30 that my groin was pulled which cause non-stop pain. Every incline and decline hurt. I could only take small steps and they got smaller. I went from 4-6km an hour depending on the terrain to only 2.5km on flat terrain. Bending my leg to get dress, undress, in and out of the sleeping bag was excruciating. Remind you this comes from the girl that hike/ran 10 miles when she had been burnt on her leg to her nerve or the same person that gets run over by a truck and then keeps on going. So this pain was bad, but as I said god gave me the grace and strength to keep walking. So day 39, I arrive after the physically hardest day because the pain is getting worse and worse each day I keep walking. I shower and treat the ankle and foot for the swelling and lay in bed elevating my leg and under the covers because it is cold. I know this town offers mass at 6:30 but I never saw the church on my way in and our hospitale does not speak English. In my head, I give the excuse that I attended mass yesterday and tomorrow I will be in santiago so I could just skip dinner and mass and stay in bed. Then I think, no the entire reason I am here is to grow closer to god and nothing brings me closer to god then mass. So I get up and begin the pilgrim shuffle (slow baby shuffle of your feet walking). As I get outside it is raining and I give the excuse I am already cold and now I will get wet and possibly more sick, I should just get back in bed. I turn around and head inside, where I grab my poncho and put it over my coat and begin the pilgrim shuffle out the door. I stop and ask for the church and the fellow points and I walk down the hill. The pain is great and I do not see a church and As I get further, I think of having to walk back and I tell myself my third excuse. You do not see the church and you are tried, just go back. Then I cast aside that thought, flag down a tractor and ask de donde Iglesia. He points the opposite direction and I walk a good way to the church. As soon as I get in and kneel to pray, I realized those excuses were really from the devil, trying to keep me from attending mass. About ten nights prior as I talked with Danny and his dad, the dad shared that as we got closer we would be under even more spiritual warfare because the devil does not want us making pilgrimages to grow in our faith but also to help others grow in theirs. I smiled, knowing I had overcome these three very small but very real temptations to skip mass. The mass was in Italian, but what I heard during the homily is many people walk fast on the camino and take photos or grab stamps but they miss the reason for the camino - it is this, the most important thing is the mass. As I left church, i notice I was taking longer strides then I had in weeks and I did not feel the groin pain as I had. I smiled and literally gave god a high five and just felt on fire with god. It was a beautiful moment for me.

So this gives a little insight to my camino experience and you all know me, I have more to say but feel this gives you enough to understand my experience. Thank you for the prayers and god bless. Tomorrow I head to fatima.

The kingdom of God is within; those simple words have such a powerful meaning. My time in Lourdes has been amazing. For a place I originally didn't have on my list (thanks to the front man of the BBB for encouraging me) I am so thankful to have com and would encourage all to come experience the faith for yourself. When Ben told me I had to go to Lourdes, Ido not think he actually gave me a reason but that it was a place I needed to go. Coming to Lourdes, I have read one book about Bernadette and the apparitions of Mary and the healing water which sprung up but it was not a story that had touched my heart the way that Therese and lisieux had or Teresa and Avila.

Upon arrival at 10pm at night, I felt a sense of peace and comfort as soon as I got off the train. I was easily able to navigate the streets and I was led to st Christophe where I would be staying the next three nights. That night I heard people coming back with such energy from the grotto where they had just taken part in the torch procession and mass. I did not sleep well and so I was off and running before 7am. I took advantage of being one of few early risers and walked around the grounds in the basicilia of the rosary, the immaculate conception, the crypts, and the grotto. As I came to the grotto, I noticed they were setting up for mass, so I sat down and got ready by pulling up the readings (thanks to Ana for telling me about Imissal app - no more needing Internet). Then my first mass at Lourdes began and it was in English - probably my first and only English mass during this trip! The priest was an English fellow and really brought together the gospel of healing, the cures at the grotto, and our own life and healing. After mass i walked back to the main part and could see the people coming from everywhere what had initially been a small crowd was now turning into a large community. I went away from the crowd and found a quiet spot on the river where I could see the basilica and enjoyed my picnic lunch and sat still for a wild - just enjoying what God has put before me. This would become my spot.

Then I went for stations of the cross to reflect on Jesus's passion. The high stations are amazing and as you climb up the hill you are put to a little challenge physically. Each station, has life size statues that represent each scene. The first station for those that are able is up a flight of stairs and each pilgrim approaches all the way on their needs. Praying their own prayer up each step. The first station, is Jesus being condemn, I do not know what it was but all I know, is I have never experienced stations like that and I have never been as touched by Jesus sacrifice and choice for my sins and the sins of the world. All I can say, is approaching on your knees looking at the scene you know Christ should not of had to suffer the way He did and yet He chose to. On the other hand, as a sinner I should suffer and yet through Gods grace I haven not. All my sins came to mind, my failures, the times I did not do what was right, the times I stood by and allowed Him to be humiliated, yes it was all there. And as I came to the top I felt almost every emotion from sorrow to peace- a bit hard to explain. At each station I thought about our Lords passion and how it tied to my life. Well the 14th station shows the lord being placed in the tomb and you begin your way down the hill. On the other side if you look back at the hill you see a 15th station, which shows the stone rolled away and we are reminded that Christ conquered death and was risen from the dead.

From stations, I wanted to go to confession and as luck would have it, priest were taking confessions in English. I told the priest that I was having trouble with my thoughts and judging others and had I been around friends I know I would have made comments. The priest I met with was very kind and offered spiritual advice for my failures. First, he told me to consider it a grace that i was away from my friends and that the spirit was guiding me. It was my choice to leave but up until this point i would not have considered it a grace to be away from my friends. He also offered, that it is easy for us to excuse our own failings or the failings of those we like - yet people we do not like or even people we do not know, we see all their faults. The priest simply offered that I should place myself in their shoes in the sense of thinking of their background, life, etc and how that might have led them to who or what they are and had I been in the same life situation as them that I could have been just like them or worse. Then of course, it goes back to recognizing our own sins- remember the part of removing the beam from our eye before getting the speck out of our brothers.

Well following confession, the priest gave me a blessing for my pilgrimage and the hike and I left feeling really good. I know I am on the right path and that the Fathers will, will be done and I am open to whatever that may be. Along came Eucharist adoration and it was an amazing service - with literally thousands of people it was amazing how quiet the moments of silence were.

Once again, I have enjoyed seeing many different people from every background that share my faith... Back to that universal church. Also, it is amazing how many people with disabilities are here and how many volunteers there're to care for them. They come through faith seeking a cure but they accept their cross and it is a lesson for all to trust in God and offer up our small crosses for Him.

After that I was on a holy high and did not think the day could get any better, so I went for dinner and let's just say my definition of well done, cook bueno, no rogue, no Rojo - just does not make since in France. Literally when I first cut into my steak - blood came out. So I asked in another way. The waitress left with the steak and I kid you not, not even 2 minutes and she was back. Yes you could tell it was on the grill but still red. Then she realized I was not eating and said cook more- I used another descriptive term and she left and 2 minutes later she was back. So I did the kid routine and cut it up and moved it around to look like I had ate it. But I just smiled, thinking of what the priest said and being the other person and this woman was probably just as frustrated knowing something was wrong but unable to communicate to make it right.

Well coming back to the grounds, I went and prayed a rosary in the rosary basilica. This basilica is my favorite chapel on the grounds. The joyful, glorious, and sorrowful mysteries are each done in giant mosaic so that each mystery has it own side altar. As a kid this would make learning the rosary so much easier as instead of mentally having to recall the scene from Christ life it is brought here in the scenes in the mosaics. I am a fan of mosaics.

To close up the night, I took part in the torch procession. I could not believe how many people were there. It was truly amazing and you would have thought the line was going to go forever. I got there 30 minutes early to line up and said bonjour to a nun and she said, hello... So I said hello in return and she was delighted. Just as I have felt like nobody around me speaks English she too had felt this. So sister Donahue was there with her blood sister Helen and they had made the pilgrimage with a parish in Ireland. Sister Donahue is with the sisters of mercy and she is based in dublin, Ireland. We had a lovely time talking and she just had kind eyes that could see through you and it was great to make another friend. The procession began and it was amazing seeing how many people were there to love and celebrate their faith. Sister Donahue constantly made sure i was with them and she just radiated joy as we sung ave maria. Being part of the torch procession was just amazing and there was such joy and peace in being there and being part of that body of Christ. I started by saying the kingdom of God is within us, how than can we not be at peace and have joy? It is simple, when we let the world dominate our life we loose that peace and joy that God intended and intends for us to have. When we center our life on Christ that joy and peace are there. We have all heard that people in third world countries are happier than most Americans... Yet Americans do not know the hardships like these people. It comes back to where is your life center. I know in my life, I have many times place other things in the center (money, friends, relationships, job, family, the haunt, status, the list could go on) and when I did I lacked that joy and peace.

To finish off in Lourdes, the next day I was able to take a bath in the springs water and it was just another one of those emotional moments. The waters of lourdes reminds us of our baptism, our purification, us being made clean spiritually - yes unexplained miracles have occurred at Lourdes from people that touched the water but it is not in a fountain of youth magical way- the healing comes through Christ and their faith. When jesus heal the deaf man, he did not need mud but He used it but Jesus healed from the man's faith in christ not the mans faith in the mud.

The rest of the day has been filled with peace. I will begin the camino tomorrow from st jean pied de port. I like that my hike begins on September 11, that is the day of birth of my grandmother (she would be 100) and I know she will be watching and praying over me from heaven. I plan to spend the hike away from the noise, so other then letting my folks no I am alive and where, I want it to be a personal time. Of course, that could change if God tells me to, but I feel the disconnect from the world will be good for me. Much love and prayers for each of you.
God bless,
Kim Brown