The Journey Begins
Like most people I have been striving to create my idea life for myself but about three years ago I started to realize there was more to that idea world then money, comfort, influence, fun, etc
That's when I began asking the question to God- what was His idea for my life? My friends can tell you asking this question and being open 100 percent to God's answer was initially difficult and scary for me to accept. What if He asked me to leave my security - family, friends, job, home, etc. God knew where I was at (as He knows with each of us) and so He started to ask for small changes.
First came making God my number one relationship and depending on Him instead of myself. Next was learning to be okay in the silence and find comfort in alone time with God - as before i was so busy doing good stuff but those good things became a distraction for me. Then came obedience to God's will. It's easy to be obedient to God when you ask a question and offer answers that you like- this is what I was previously doing but it's a whole new ball game when you ask a question and include answers that you do not want. But you are not being obedient if you are not open 100 percent. One of my hardest things I have ever asked God was one day in adoration what vocation He wanted me to be. I was scared to death to ask this question two years ago because I was very afraid of one of the possible answers. Yet through God's time and grace I have not been afraid of that answer for a year now. After my total obedience to His will I became impatient wanting to know what His will was. As someone that is known in her profession for training on setting goals, action steps, and achieving goals - I really wanted to zero in and focus on my own goals so I could create an action plan to achieving it - well God has reminded me He is God and it will be done on His time not mine. Then in openness to God I went on a vocation weekend to learn about religious life. From that weekend I do not feel called to religious life anymore than I feel called to committed single or married but I did take away an amazing insight. The Spiritual Director -Sister O'Toole asked the question when are you most alive with God? This is a great question and one I had never stopped to ask myself. I invite you to quit reading this blog and spend sometime with God asking this question and seeing how your gifts play into that. For me I am most alive when I am teaching a group of people and I am most alive with God when I am teaching about God. My current job at the time allowed small amounts of time to do this but I spent a large amount of time doing other duties. Then came a silent retreat upon arrival I read Matthew 6; then the chapter I was on in Imitation of Christ also talked about not worrying and being anxious; then the chapter I was on in a book that the nuns had given me was also about not worrying; and finally the opening guided talk was on the same topic. Well I heard the Lord loud and clear and my focus that weekend began a transformation. I knew the week before at work, that God had given me another sign that it was time to move on but I was still anxious about leaving a job and career that I had spent 10 years at. After the retreat I decided to simplify my life and I started to get rid of my stuff. I found it much easier to get rid of my stuff after going to mass and so that began my summer ritual. I would go to church and then begin getting rid of stuff. In all I got rid of about 75% of my things and the remaining 25% is in storage or at my folks. I gave my property to a property manager to take care of for me and turned in my resignation.
It was very hard to walk away from my students especially after a great year and some amazing conversations. It was also very hard because of some amazing friendships with the people I work with. Lastly, it was hard to walk away from the program that I had created with the students over the years. I was happy last night to find out that my old position was offered to Daisy as it lets me know the students will be put first under her leadership. You do not always realize how you touch other people lives or they touch yours until it is time to say goodbye.
Although, I will be traveling I know I will be with my family again and look forward to being stateside for the birth of my newest nephew this December in Virginia.
Last but not least would be my church family- I am blessed by some amazing people that have come into my life and have offered friendship, support, love, prayers, direction, and joy! This has been the hardest part since in my heart I want to say I am coming back but if I am truly going on this journey to silence myself and be open to God's will I can not guarantee that I will return. I like to think God knows my heart and that I will be back in Denton come November. That is also why I am staying on life-teen team at ICC.
So I am heading out and going to be open to God's timeline. I plan on going on a personal pilgrimage to France and Spain and spending time with God away from all the noise and distractions that my world offered. I have packed 23 pounds in my bag and spent three hours yesterday planning - I took the not worrying to heart! I am blessed with many people whom care for me but it seemed too many people were hearing God tell them what I should do with my life and not all the messages added up - so I am going to head off and see what comes. I will post to this blog as I travel so feel free to come along for the journey (thanks to my faith group for recommending it and kb2 for setting it up).
The one constant theme I have heard in my prayer and discernment is "rebuild my church" - but what does this mean to me? I feel this is a universal call to each of us - from mothers and fathers in their domestic church, to our priest in the parish, to youth minister with their teens, to a boss with their staff, etc. So for me, I want to figure out how God wants me to rebuild the church and then focus on that until He tells me to move on.
{As a public service announcement if you hate run on sentences, poor grammar, bad spelling, etc this blog might not be for you. I am writing as it comes, when I hit wifi and I really do not plan on re-reading my thoughts. But if I ever write something that is not in alignment with church teaching - then by all means correct me.}
I fly out tomorrow to Paris.
God bless,
Kim Brown
