If you go back in your memory to before you started dating, you will realize that before you ever dated you began to create a mental list of things you like. This list could be based on our dads, what we saw on television or the movies, from our siblings, as well as our friends. Of course, for most of us that list began fairly superficial and was based on mainly factors we could see.
Then as we got older and started dating, we began to add to the list. Sometimes it was based on things we liked or disliked. Hopefully, as we got older, the items on the list became more focus on the core of who someone was as opposed to the exterior factors from our childhood.
Somewhere around 25 years old, I quit dating just to date and would only go on a second or third date with someone if I actually could see myself wanting to marry that person someday. I honestly wish, this would have been the way I viewed dating before, but better late then never. So often, when we date just to date or have fun, the longer we are with someone, the harder it becomes to end the relationship even though we know it will never go anywhere nor would we wish to be attached to that person for the rest of our life.
Well how the dating story should end for many is.... They meet someone that they are able to build a strong friendship with, that person helps them to be a better person and vice versa (interdependent relationship), there is true love, and after a period of courtship they get married. They view the marriage as a sacred gift and commit to themselves and God to be faithful until their death. When a couple marries, they do not know how long they will have together but together they begin working as a team to produce fruit.
Whenever I have dated someone over the past few years, one of my questions I asked before dating them was, would my ministry be greater with them or would I be able to do more for God as a committed single. If I did not see that I would have a greater ministry with someone, I simply did not date them or ended the relationship. So that is one of the questions, I also asked myself when I began considering religious life as a sister. Would my ministry be greater as a sister in a community as opposed to being a committed single or married. Mother Teresa of Calcutta was great by herself but imagine how much more fruit her ministry brought forward through her community of sisters. Mother was in one community but she left that community because God was calling her to another community which would provide an abundance of fruit, I do not think Mother could have ever imagine the fruit that would come forth from her new community. Thus, we learn we must listen to God and go where He calls to live the most fulfilling life.
So as I have begun looking at religious communities, I approach it very similar to dating. Plus, it is the easiest way to describe, since I know the majority of people view religious life as a sister, brother, monk, etc as something that you read about in history books or see occasionally in an old film.
First, God has designed each one of very uniquely and so the things that I find attractive may not be the same things that someone else finds attractive. No two husbands are exactly alike and in the same way, no two communities are exactly alike. Like middle-school Kim before I started dating, I knew what I thought was attractive. Then as I gained more experience and matured, I knew things that I wanted and these became concrete standards. There was no sense to invest time, with a guy and now a community, if I did not see myself spending the rest of my life with them. I have always believe we can learn from every person and situation, even if it is what not to do. Yes, there have been some communities I have visited and knew it was not the community for me but I also knew I could learn something from them. In the same way, we might date someone and realize, that is not who we are suppose to be with but we can remain friends as long as it is a positive and healthy relationship. Of course, if we realize it is a negative relationship, we should remove ourself from the relationship and friendship to avoid and further harm.
So as many of you know, I have been visiting different religious communities to find the community that God wants me at, so I can begin what should be the rest of my earthly life, loving and serving Him. Two and half years ago my grandmother watered a seed which had been planted long ago but was in a severe drought condition, when she asked me if I was planning on becoming a nun. At the time, I was not consciously thinking about this but as I have referenced before, it really made me ask myself, do I want Gods will for my life (like I say I do, each time I profess the Our Father) or was I wanting my will. This made me extremely sad, to realize that I had been holding back my entire self from God and thus began the process of opening up and really seeking Gods will for my life, even if that included a vocation to the religious life as a sister.
I have had the chance over the past year in half to meet a number of different religious communities and sisters and to learn what is it that I find attractive. I have also had some trusted friends along the way give advice and recommendations based on them knowing me. The best recommendation, came from a friend that entered an order a year ago and she recommended I look into the CMWSR website to find a community. My friend knowing me and knowing what I had liked and not liked about the religious communities I had visited recommended this group, since the religious communities associated with it would meet the mental list that was being formed in my head of what I found attractive.
So anyways, my most recent visit to a religious community was with the School Sisters of St. Francis in Panhandle, Texas. Immediately upon arrival at their convent, I noticed a tug at my heart. I believe God was calling me to pay attention. Each of the active religious communities I had visited before, I had known God was telling me 'no' to and in someways I had expected a similar disappointment here. But something was different. From that first tug when I entered the convent doors, I knew to take in everything.
That first day for me, began with evening prayers (one part of the Liturgy of the Hours) which was my first evening prayers in the USA that truly spoke to my heart. As a side-note: Oversees in France, Spain, and Portugal even though I could not speak the language I had fallen in love with the Liturgy of the Hours. Then after evening prayers it came time for dinner. They began and ended the meal with prayer as well as a short spiritual reading. At dinner, I remember noticing two things that I filed away, first, all the sisters radiated joy- it was not just one or two of them, but each truly had joy. The second thing, was the family, that these sisters had created. They are a smaller order- 18 in the US at this Texas Convent but that size allows them to foster and keep a family spirit. Where they really know one another.
The sisters schedule allows for community prayer four times a day from the Liturgy of the Hours, daily mass, as well as other times for personal and group prayer. The sisters have two mission houses where hey serve at two Catholic schools and I was able to visit one of them during my visit. The other sisters at the motherhouse then work on various task and services that are needed for the greater community. One of the things I learned that I found attractive was the Franciscan spirit that did guide what I witness during my visit. The way the Sisters truly loved one another was also another gift of their community. One of the acts of charity I remember was when I was helping a sister make a meal in the kitchen. In the kitchen we are working on an island and another sisters walks into the room and asks if she could get us a drink. It was a small act of kindness, so simple and yet something about that struck me. Literally, we were two feet away from the kitchen sink, if we wanted a glass a of water and yet this sister saw us working and went out of her way to offer this act of love. Even as I write that, it seems so simple and yet so great. Maybe because I am in awe of people that constantly show love in simple ways that in our culture will be overlooked since we are always looking for great things. Truly, I believe those small acts of love done regularly out of love are far greater then the grandest act of service we can imagine that do not have love at their root.
The week was focus always on Christ and everything else was just something that needed to be done but the focus always remain on Christ and not the task. I was able to speak with a number of sisters as well as partake in some of their community life: prayers, work, ministry, meals, and recreation. I consider myself blessed to have been able to visit that community and I left not knowing if God was calling me to that order but it did help me to be concrete in some of the things that I find attractive and felt drawn to in religious life. I also know that I did not get a 'no' from God which has happened with the other active orders I have visited. It was kind of awesome to go from visiting with the sisters and embark on a 24-hour drive to my sisters, so that I could have that car time to talk to God about the experience and clarify my thoughts.
Things that I do know, is I would encourage anyone females considering religious life or even interested in knowing more to visit with the school sisters of st. Francis as well as I emailed some of the Priest helping me in my discernment to let them know this would be a good local order (or as local as they come) to recommend to other females that come to them in discernment. I will take this with me as I head oversees and spend some time alone with God to hopefully come to know His will for me.
So to tie this back to where I began about dating and religious life, my visit with the School Sisters of St. Francis was a good one and it helped me clarify the qualities that I find attractive. Also it let me know that just like dating, it is a process. Even if you find the right community, you will spend time getting to know that community before you ever start dating. Then once you think that is the community for you, you become a bit more serious and exclusive in your dating. That's when you go off and begin the initial formation process of postulancy, novitiate, etc. Once you think this is the community for you, you then get engaged and that would be the temporary vows and then once you know this is where God is calling you for the rest of your life, you except the marriage proposal and take your final vows.
If you are interested in the School Sisters of St. Francis you can find out more at http://www.panhandlefranciscans.org/ or contact Sister Mary Michael, their Vocation Director.
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