Create a clean heart in me

So before leaving the states, everything kept coming back to love.  The desire to increase my love for God and others kept coming up again and again.  Loving everyone (literally everyone) as God calls us to, is not a strength of mine and it is something I have been working on for a while and will probably get to work on my entire life (without Gods grace).  I am not sure what it was about my visit with the Franciscan sisters before I left but everything kept returning to love.  So this has been an increase area of my focus and prayer time.

So that is the state of mind, when I came oversees.  Then in Lyon, I really begin thinking about my heart and how I want a pure heart.  Well fast forward to Ars and I see Saint Jean Marie Vianney and I come to know his heart.  A simple, pure heart only filled with the love of God which made him love man.  I had some heart to hearts with God where I let him know my desire for a pure heart.  Then, God responded and continues.  Every mass and every office reading had something to do with a clean heart, a pure heart, and each time it deepened my desire.

Switching gears for a moment-   So in the dinning hall of the convent, I am quick to make friends with people, even if we do not speak the same language but as reference before, it seems like we can somehow manage... International telephone game.  So one morning at breakfast, I meet a woman and as we talk, she tells me she is from Paray le Monial.  This town means nothing to me and so she then says, you know Saint Margaret Mary and the Sacred Heart image.  I guess I really never had thought about where the image of the Sacred Heart of Jesus had come from but during that conversation my heart stirred a little.  So we depart ways and I go to morning lauds with the Sacred Heart sisters (just wait they will tie back in to the story).  During lauds, a verse hits me and I know at lunch I have to speak to that woman again, because I think my trip is about to take a detour.  

At lunch we talk again and she offers me a ride to go that afternoon but I have already made a commitment with Sister Therese that I will spend the afternoon with some of her friends (the town locals).  Sister Therese is the sister that after the international telephone game thinks something good of me and always smiles and pats me on the back.

 The woman was returning to her home that evening and was leaving out of town the following day, so by the time I would arrive in Paray, I would miss her but I knew God was keeping me for a reason.  So the afternoon with St. Therese friends we go for a lovely walk in the Ars countryside (minus the gunfire from hunters in the field we are walking beside).  During the walk, Chantal is very excited and talks about Divine Mercy, the Scared Heart, Mary, and many other topics.  She ties everything together without me even having to ask.  She tells the story of St. Margaret Mary and Jesus giving her the image of the Sacred Heart.  That the French King did not do as he was asked and the country had many ills.  The grandson, repented of their family not doing as Jesus had asked as he awaited his executions in the dungeons during the French Revolution.  Finally the country did as was requested and the sacred heart of Jesus was venerated.  In honor of the sacred heart they built the Sacré-Coeur Basilica in Paris (if you recall that is where I started off last year with my pilgrimage).  The same sisters that are there at the Sacré-Coeur Basilica are part of the same order of sisters that I met in Ars and did the divine office with.  Then it all ties in with Saint Faustine and the image of Divine Mercy.  

So I leave Ars to Paray and it is a fairly small town and I make my way to the Basilica, then the st. jean adoration chapel, and then to the chapel where the visitation occurred.  After afternoon prayers, I notice a sisters begins to set-up the side altar where St. Margaret Mary is at.  A priest is going to say private mass but she tells me that I can join. Things that are awesome because I was not able to attend mass in Ars before catching the bus and I got to Paray too late, so this worked out perfect.  God is good!  

Photo- side note : So every photo where the mosaic tile of the scared heart comes out with a  bright light.  When just looking at the tile, you see each tile but with the photo it just shines light.  Use the iPad, so there was no flash.

So after some more prayer time, it is time to find a place to spend the night.  I try to ask another sister in the shop if the convent allows pilgrims to sleep there.  The woman I had met from the town had said that as a female they might let me stay there because from time to time they do retreats for women, even though it is a cloister.  Anyways, her French and my French sends me to a halfway house.  The people at the door seem very confused by a backpacker at their door, and I try my best to explain that the sister had sent me, well once they realize I came from the convent they agree.  As I get settled in and read some rules (or at least the parts I can understand) I begin realizing it is not a house for pilgrims.  But oh well, by this point I am heading off for adoration and vespers.  It is when I return for dinner at my house that I come to understand it is a halfway house.  But it is one of the most enjoyable experiences I have ever had and I absolutely love my roommate Silvia!  We converse back and forth between french, english, and charades and it is really some awesome faith talks.  she tells me, she is glad that God brought me here for her but I think I am getting the better deal. We went through a french divine mercy and then i did it in english for her.

Silvia went to pray at 6am, so when I get up and get dress to leave, I see she has left a saint Claude La Colombriere card on my things for me.  God keeps leading because as I head off to go to the Chapel of the Visitation to pray,I go a different path and come upon the church built to host the remains of this Saint.  Once again, God is good.  A quiet church where I can pray my morning prayers before heading off to the chapel to do them in French with the sisters.  I try and do the prayers and mass in French but I want to know what is said so either before or after I always read them in English.

Anyways, I have to say, I am loving how God is working and weaving and I am very happy with the trip detour.  Everything I have is really Gods and the only thing that I truly own because He allows it, is my will which includes how I use my heart.  So the only thing I can truly give God is that.  It seems so simple and yet we can make that so difficult.  From the morning lauds with the Sacred Heart sisters in Ars:

Breathe on me, breath of God,

Until my heart is pure,

Until with you I have one will,

To live and to endure.

Amen, Amen my friends!  Next detour is to Nevers.  I might eventually get to Italy.  But alas, I do not think that it matters so much the where.  More important the who and the why.

The Contrast

In Ars, I have enjoyed the many contrast that I have found.  This morning as I took the brief walk up to the site on the Encounter, I thought about these many contrast.  The site of the encounter is where Father Jean Marie Vianney asked a small shepherd boy if he could show him the ways to Ars.  It was here that the Priest would see his parish for the first time.  In thanks to the little shepherd boy for showing him the way to Ars.  Father Vianney told the boy, he would show him the way to heaven.  What if at each moment of our life, we could tell others this?  Through not only sharing the good news with them, but living out the good news.  Our actions will draw others to God more than our words.  We have all seen the person that preaches about Gods love but fails to allow Gods love to shine forth from them.  And if we are honest with our selves, we can see at times in our life when we have been that person that failed to allow Gods love to work through us.

Another contradiction is the Basilica itself.  After his death, the church wanted to build a basilica that would accommodate the pilgrims that had already been coming to Ars.  The towns people did not want the parish church torn down and so the Basilica was built into  the parish church.  This contradiction is a beautiful contradiction.  If you enter from the old parish side- it is small, crowded, mainly wood, and simple when compared to the Basilica side which is large, spacious with high ceilings, marble, and elaborate.  Yet, this is the very essence of this simple country priest.  Father Vianney interiorly was a very simple and humble man.  Yet, to those that knew him, met him, and traveled a great distance to get to the confessional with him- realized something else... Yes, he was a humble man, but a humble man that walked with a giant daily (aka God).  The two sides of the church reflect this contradiction so well and yet together it does make perfect sense.  

The next contradiction was the contradiction between his home and his church.  The parish home, upon his arrival was well decorated - too decorated for a simple humble servant of God.   So out with the decadence and in with the bare necessities.   How he decided to live is very  important, he kept the bare minimum when it came to furniture but he surrounded himself with images and books of our Lord and Saints.   Having a hard time focusing on God?  Look around your home and office- what image do you see?  what books are on your self?  i will say if you came to my office (when I had an office) the joke was my walls looked like a general shirts - Lined in order with awards.  Guess what, those awards mean nothing.  When I left last August we had an award ceremony, where I gave away those awards to my staff.  The wall, told people that came to my office- I was a success, I know what I am talking about.  But does that really matter?  I can honestly say, I never did any of it for the award but in a way, with those awards on the wall all about me... We can say what was really important to me... Me!  So Father Vianney lived modestly and surrounded himself with things that called to mind God... Hmm, seems likes a no brainer and yet how many of us fell to do this.

Now in complete contrast to how Father Vianney lived, he desired for God to dwell in the best place possible.  So he took the very modest parish and made small changes.  These changes were designed to glorify God, to call God to the minds of his people, and to help his people understand the importance of Christ.  How do you teach Gods majesty?  You show it.  Well his parish began noticing how little he considered himself in importance when he compared himself with God.  A neat addition, that he made to the parish was the bell tower.  Father Vianney wanted to call his people to God.  This was before the time of mass emails, calendar alerts, commercials, billboards, and text messages.  So the bells would ring and would bring to mind God and call his people from the field to Mass.  I have written previously about the church bells, so no need to restate here.  The part of him restoring the church and wanting to do all he can to glorify God, reminds me of the Priest currently at , my parents church, Father Jason Cargo.  I do not know if he got on their roof, to restore the bell tower, but I do know he has put in his manual labor to help get the job done on their church restoration project.  And yes, when you enter the church, even without understanding the presence of the Eucharist, a person knows they are in a holy place, a place to pray, a place to be reverent.  I have been blessed to visit many beautiful churches during my life, but I know we will never be able to build anything that expresses the majesty of God or His goodness but that should not stop us from trying.  I think our best work looks like a kindergarteners art project to God but God like a loving parent tells us how much He loves it because He knows how hard we tried.  

Father Vianney would serve at the parish of Ars for the remainder of his life.  He desired to let the people know of Gods love and he lived out the acts of mercy that Christ calls all of us to, through educating, sheltering, and feeding those in need.  We know his source of all this came through hours of prayer and the Eucharist.   Anyways, Father Vianney parish came to life and the people came to have a life with God.  It was through the confessional, where people were the most touched by this priest.  A good confession, where one is truly remorseful and desires to sin no more is a beautiful thing.  Yea, you might cry but at the end you leave FREE.  The bags you walked in with; guilt, shame, regret, etc are left there and Christ literally makes them disappear for us.  Father Vianney understood the importance and desire of man to be connected to God and as we learn, nothing separates us faster from God then sin.  In the same way, nothing connects us faster to God then having that sin (that obstacle) removed in the Sacrament of Reconciliation.  Because of Vianney's understanding he spent many hours in the confessional.  Want to see a Christ center church and its people?  Look for one that offers reconciliation and mass regularly (and people are there).  Because a Christ-center church will not be one without sinners -we all fall short regularly but one where people acknowledge their failures and seek to be reunited with God as soon as possible and to have them being in their presence always.

So this simple parish priest that understood the importance of the sacraments became known to neighboring towns and one by one more people began coming to receive the sacrament of reconciliation.  Well, even without the social media of today, word spread and near his final years of his life he would spend up to 17 hours in the confessional.  Three times Father Vianney tried to leave to live a life solely devoted to prayer as a monk but on his final time, he realize, 'no, this is where God called me' and he regretted ever trying to avoid Gods will for his own desire (an honest desire at that, a life of prayer focused on God). 

The Gospel reading on this day was from Matthew 25:14-30

Jesus told his disciples this parable:

“A man going on a journey called in his servants and entrusted his possessions to them. To one he gave five talents; to another, two; to a third, one– to each according to his ability. Then he went away. Immediately the one who received five talents went and traded with them, and made another five. Likewise, the one who received two made another two. But the man who received one went off and dug a hole in the ground and buried his master’s money. After a long time the master of those servants came back and settled accounts with them. The one who had received five talents came forward bringing the additional five. He said, ‘Master, you gave me five talents. See, I have made five more.’ His master said to him, ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant. Since you were faithful in small matters, I will give you great responsibilities. Come, share your master’s joy.’ Then the one who had received two talents also came forward and said, ‘Master, you gave me two talents. See, I have made two more.’ His master said to him, ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant. Since you were faithful in small matters, I will give you great responsibilities. Come, share your master’s joy.’ Then the one who had received the one talent came forward and said, ‘Master, I knew you were a demanding person, harvesting where you did not plant and gathering where you did not scatter; so out of fear I went off and buried your talent in the ground. Here it is back.’ His master said to him in reply, ‘You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I did not plant and gather where I did not scatter? Should you not then have put my money in the bank so that I could have got it back with interest on my return? Now then! Take the talent from him and give it to the one with ten. For to everyone who has, more will be given and he will grow rich; but from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away. And throw this useless servant into the darkness outside, where there will be wailing and grinding of teeth.’”

I can say that St. Jean Marie Vianney, did well with what God entrusted to him. Jean Vianney was not known for his academic excellence, he had trouble in seminary with the Latin and so he was given a small talent (a very small village parish), like the servant only given 2 talents.  But through allowing God to use him in any and all ways possible, those two talents multiply many times.  Because he was faithful to God in small matters, God then gave him great responsibility.  I cannot imagine the stress and workload that our Priest take on (all the life changing moments that they are part of for so many people) but yet, if they simply  allow God to use them the load becomes doable.  No not easy but Jesus never promised an easy path.  So the final question, what is it that God has currently given me to be the steward of?  How am I doing? 

Light & Lyon

So I came to Lyon, to be in the city where St. Irenaeus  taught and fought to protect the churches teachings against the heretics of his day.  St. Irenaeus had heard St. Polycarp, whom was a disciple of the apostle John.  Remind you a completed bound bible as we know it today was not floating around at this time (2nd century) instead the early church fathers had oral tradition and teachings to go along with the scriptures from the old testament along with a few parts of the new testament that had been copied and sent to the various churches.  St. Irenaeus was familiar with the four gospels.  

As I walked the streets of Lyon to the old town, I thought of how appropriate it was that today the church honors St. John the Baptist who died a martyr.  During his life and death he pointed others to Christ and spoke out against the heretics of his own day.  God provides an awesome timeline because in my own planning, I do not think I would have coordinated this.  It was only last Friday that I even decided on what day I would fly out of the country to get into France but oh, the plans of God!

Anyways, the town of Lyon is fairly large and they have many beautiful and ancient churches.   Sadly, many churches are not open all the time or at least during daytime hours but alas, I was never fifteen minutes away from an open church.  I began my walk by heading towards the site where St. Irenaeus church was since it had been destroyed and rebuilt.  Then I continued on to Notre Dame de Fourviere and enjoyed the church and chapels.  The church was designed to appear to be a fort and kingdom all in one, to remind people of the strength of the church and prayers.  The town on multiple occasions, asked the Virgin Mary to intercede for them and in appreciation for being saved by God they built a church in her honor.  I was able to attend Mass and adoration there and after a while I began the walk down the hill.

 

The path zig-zag and there were many times you could decide which path to take but I ultimately ended up at St. philomenas, a very small chapel.  The Francisian sister there, spoke English and told me about the woman, Pauline Marie Jaricot that had built the chapel as a sign of appreciation for St. philomenas intercessory prayer.  She also invited me to stay for Sext prayers that would be happening in a little bit and so I hung around to pray with the other sisters and the Priest that joins them when praying the Divine Office.  On this trip, compared to last time I am much better acquainted with the Liturgy of the Hours and so even though it is in French, I am able to keep up.  

Speaking of the Liturgy, here are some of the things that struck me today:

Office Hymn:

Faith of our fathers, holy faith!

We will be true to thee till death.

Second reading about John the Baptist:

 His persecutor had demanded not that he should deny Christ, but only that he should keep silent about the truth...... But to endure temporal agonies for the sake of the truth was not a heavy burden for such men as John; rather it was easily borne and even desirable, for he knew eternal joy would be his reward

Evening prayer intercessions:

May your Church, in imitation of the Baptist, fearlessly point out the Lamb of God,

– so that people in every age may acknowledge that the Lord comes to them.

Continuing on my day from there I headed out to see some more churches including St. Bonaventures as well as the ancient church, St. Martin d'Ainay.  I have always liked stain glass and one of the things I find really neat is the exterior view verses the interior view.  From the outside, sometimes we cannot even make out the image, it does not draw us in, a d we can walk by without ever noticing it.  Yet when the light is reflecting through the glass from the interior (the way ot is suppose to be viewed from) we see the most magnificent artist creation.  I think it is a lot like us.  Sometimes from the outside, it might not look like much- dirty, dark, and unrecognizable but when we allow Gods light to shine through our interior then we are that most magnificent artwork that God created us to.

Matthew 5:14 "You are the light of the world...."

Heading off again....

The trip has begun!  I really do not know why to expect from this pilgrimage.  My last pilgrimage, which I went on this time last Fall provided so much more then I could ever imagine and the graces given to me by God were abundant on that trip.  Then after that trip, I returned seeking to keep God the center and not get distracted by people and things. The past ten months went by fast between spending time with family (including the birth of my youngest nephew, Benjamin), volunteering with youth ministry, writing the book, giving lectures, and visiting religious communities.   This summer when I clearly heard Gods call to religious life, it made me more conscious and aware of my time.  Unfortunately, like many I had often taken my time for granted.  

So I left this morning from my sisters house in Richmond and flew to JFK, where I have a 13-hour layover before flying on to Nice.  I originally thought the layover would allow me to finish the Confessions of Augustine (today as I began praying the office I realize the church honors St. Monica - Augustine's mom, how appropriate).  So as I thought about my time in New York, I wonder what I would want to do.  I have been to New York a number of times and have seen all the sites.  I do enjoy the theater and so I looked at the Broadway shows and thought that none stood out that I had not already seen on Broadway. I thought of the different restaurants and other then some pizza and possibly a cannoli from Little Italy, once again... Nothing really stood out.  The only thing that seemed to attract me, was going to Mass.  On every trip to New York, I have traveled the city (and on most trips acted as tour guide for my students) and we would go to the Cathedral of St. Patrick but I never had attended a Mass in it.  Now days, I try my best to attend daily mass as it is the best part of my day as well as helps me to be a better person.   So Mass at theCathedral is what I came for.  The Cathedral is under major renovation and like many tourist sites people are coming all around, but at the back of the church where the tabernacle sits, it is very quite.  There I got to pray and talk to God before Mass.  

That's where the question of what am I expecting from this trip came up.  My answer, is simply to let God show me whatever He wants to show me and for me to learn whatever He wants to teach me.  God is a far better planner, then I ever was or will be as well as He is a far better tour guide, so I am just going to trust and go.  If he changes my route, there is a reason for it and I may never see the reason or result like the rosary to the Dutchman but I know He has it under control.

God has already been kind but having me talk with two men after Mass that work at the Cathedral and they were kind enough to let me go down in the crypt where the Bishops of New York lay at rest, including Fulton Sheen (as an adult I always liked to hear my grandmother speak of him and his gentleness).  God is good!  

Once again, remember the blog rules... I do not re-read and so if grammar mistakes drive you crazy, this might not be the blog for you.  

Dating & Religious Life

I have come to realize, that finding the right religious community is a lot like finding the right person to marry.  

If you go back in your memory to before you started dating, you will realize that before you ever dated you began to create a mental list of things you like.  This list could be based on our dads, what we saw on television or the movies, from our siblings, as well as our friends.   Of course, for most of us that list began fairly superficial and was based on mainly factors we could see.

Then as we got older and started dating, we began to add to the list.  Sometimes it was based on things we liked or disliked.   Hopefully, as we got older, the items on the list became more focus on the core of who someone was as opposed to the exterior factors from our childhood.

Somewhere around 25 years old, I quit dating just to date and would only go on a second or third  date with someone if I actually could see myself wanting to marry that person someday.  I honestly wish, this would have been the way I viewed dating before, but better late then never.  So often, when we date just to date or have fun, the longer we are with someone, the harder it becomes to end the relationship even though we know it will never go anywhere nor would we wish to be attached to that person for the rest of our life.

Well how the dating story should end for many is.... They meet someone that they are able to build a strong friendship with, that person helps them to be a better person and vice versa (interdependent relationship), there is true love, and after a period of courtship they get married.  They view the marriage as a sacred gift and commit to themselves and God to be faithful until their death.  When a couple marries, they do not know how long they will have together but together they begin working as a team to produce fruit.  

Whenever I have dated someone over the past few years, one of my questions I asked before dating them was, would my ministry be greater with them or would I be able to do more for God as a committed single.  If I did not see that I would have a greater ministry with someone, I simply did not date them or ended the relationship.   So that is one of the questions, I also asked myself when I began considering religious life as a sister.  Would my ministry be greater as a sister in a community as opposed to being a committed single or married.   Mother Teresa of Calcutta was great by herself but imagine how much more fruit her ministry brought forward through her community of sisters.  Mother was in one community but she left that community because God was calling her to another community which would provide an abundance of fruit, I do not think Mother could have ever imagine the fruit that would come forth from her new community.  Thus, we learn we must listen to God and go where He calls to live the most fulfilling life.

So as I have begun looking at religious communities, I approach it very similar to dating.  Plus, it is the easiest way to describe, since I know the majority of people view religious life as a sister, brother, monk, etc as something that you read about in history books or see occasionally in an old film.

First, God has designed each one of very uniquely and so the things that I find attractive may not be the same things that someone else finds attractive.  No two husbands are exactly alike and in the same way, no two communities are exactly alike.  Like middle-school Kim before I started dating, I knew what I thought was attractive.  Then as I gained more experience and matured, I knew things that I wanted and these became concrete standards.  There was no sense to invest time, with a guy and now a community, if I did not see myself spending the rest of my life with them.   I have always believe we can learn from every person and situation, even if it is what not to do.  Yes, there have been some communities I have visited and knew it was not the community for me but I also knew I could learn something from them.  In the same way, we might date someone and realize, that is not who we are suppose to be with but we can remain friends as long as it is a positive and healthy relationship.  Of course, if we realize it is a negative relationship, we should remove ourself from the relationship and friendship to avoid and further harm.  

So as many of you know, I have been visiting different religious communities to find the community that God wants me at, so I can begin what should be the rest of my earthly life, loving and serving Him.  Two and half years ago my grandmother watered a seed which had been planted long ago but was in a severe drought condition, when she asked me if I was planning on becoming a nun.  At the time, I was not consciously thinking about this but as I have referenced before, it really made me ask myself, do I want Gods will for my life (like I say I do, each time I profess the Our Father) or was I wanting my will.  This made me extremely sad, to realize that I had been holding back my entire self from God and thus began the process of opening up and really seeking Gods will for my life, even if that included a vocation to the religious life as a sister.

I have had the chance over the past year in half to meet a number of different religious communities and sisters and to learn what is it that I find attractive.  I have also had some trusted friends along the way give advice and recommendations based on them knowing me.  The best recommendation, came from a friend that entered an order a year ago and she recommended I look into the CMWSR website to find a community.  My friend knowing me and knowing what I had liked and not liked about the religious communities I had visited recommended this group, since the religious communities associated with it would meet the mental list that was being formed in my head of what I found attractive.

So anyways, my most recent visit to a religious community was with the School Sisters of St. Francis in Panhandle, Texas.  Immediately upon arrival at their convent, I noticed a tug at my heart.  I believe God was calling me to pay attention.  Each of the active religious communities I had visited before, I had known God was telling me 'no' to and in someways I had expected a similar disappointment here.  But something was different.  From that first tug when I entered the convent doors, I knew to take in everything.  

That first day for me, began with evening prayers (one part of the Liturgy of the Hours) which was my first evening prayers in the USA that truly spoke to my heart.  As a side-note: Oversees in France, Spain, and Portugal even though I could not speak the language I had fallen in love with the Liturgy of the Hours.  Then after evening prayers it came time for dinner. They began and ended the meal with prayer as well as a short spiritual reading.  At dinner, I remember noticing two things that I filed away, first, all the sisters radiated joy- it was not just one or two of them, but each truly had joy.  The second thing, was the family, that these sisters had created.  They are a smaller order- 18 in the US at this Texas Convent but that size allows them to foster and keep a family spirit. Where they really know one another. 

The sisters schedule allows for community prayer four times a day from the Liturgy of the Hours, daily mass, as well as other times for personal and group prayer.  The sisters have two mission houses where hey serve at two Catholic schools and I was able to visit one of them during my visit.  The other sisters at the motherhouse then work on various task and services that are needed for the greater community.  One of the things I learned that I found attractive was the Franciscan spirit that did guide what I witness during my visit.  The way the Sisters truly loved one another was also another gift of their community.  One of the acts of charity I remember was when I was helping a sister make a meal in the kitchen.  In the kitchen we are working on an island and another sisters walks into the room and asks if she could get us a drink.  It was a small act of kindness, so simple and yet something about that struck me.  Literally, we were two feet away from the kitchen sink, if we wanted a glass a of water and yet this sister saw us working and went out of her way to offer this act of love.  Even as I write that, it seems so simple and yet so great.  Maybe because I am in awe of people that constantly show love in simple ways that in our culture will be overlooked since we are always looking for great things.  Truly, I believe those small acts of love done regularly out of love are far greater then the grandest act of service we can imagine that do not have love at their root.

The week was focus always on Christ and everything else was just something that needed to be done but the focus always remain on Christ and not the task.  I was able to speak with a number of sisters as well as partake in some of their community life: prayers, work, ministry, meals, and recreation.  I consider myself blessed to have been able to visit that community and I left not knowing if God was calling me to that order but it did help me to be concrete in some of the things that I find attractive and felt drawn to in religious life.  I also know that I did not get a 'no' from God which has happened with the other active orders I have visited.  It was kind of awesome to go from visiting with the sisters and embark on a 24-hour drive to my sisters, so that I could have that car time to talk to God about the experience and clarify my thoughts.  

Things that I do know, is I would encourage anyone females considering religious life or even interested in knowing more to visit with the school sisters of st. Francis as well as I emailed some of the Priest helping me in my discernment to let them know this would be a good local order (or as local as they come) to recommend to other females that come to them in discernment.  I will take this with me as I head oversees and spend some time alone with God to hopefully come to know His will for me.

So to tie this back to where I began about dating and religious life, my visit with the School Sisters of St. Francis was a good one and it helped me clarify the qualities that I find attractive.  Also it let me know that just like dating, it is a process.  Even if you find the right community, you will spend time getting to know that community before you ever start dating.   Then once you think that is the community for you, you become a bit more serious and exclusive in your dating.  That's when you go off and begin the initial formation process of postulancy, novitiate, etc.  Once you think this is the community for you, you then get engaged and that would be the temporary vows and then once you know this is where God is calling you for the rest of your life, you except the marriage proposal and take your final vows.

If you are interested in the School Sisters of St. Francis you can find out more at http://www.panhandlefranciscans.org/ or contact Sister Mary Michael, their Vocation Director.  

Carmel in Arlington

So staying true to seeking God's will in my life, I have begun visiting with various religious communities to discover where God is calling me.  On May 9, I was at daily mass, celebrating Ascension Thursday when after communion I felt God calling me to religious life.  So I began to look into specific communities that would allow me to live-in with them for a week to see if that is the community God is calling me to.  So.....

Arriving on Monday at the Carmel Convent in Arlington, a day after finishing a week long retreat with our youth was like entering another world.  Both worlds were focused on God but in completely different ways.  

As I entered the doors of the monastery, oI spoke to a Sister through a turn (imagine a revolving door but a 1/4 of the size and solid wood so you cannot see through it).  After giving me instructions on where my room was and telling me that Mother would call for me when she was ready to speak to me, she turn the turn around,so I could get my room key.  I then enter through the guest quarter doors and spent a whole 2 minutes pulling my clothes out of my bag to hang up and then I waited to be called.

It was at this point, I thought how fitting it was,that today should be the memorial day of Martha as I sat on my bed eagerly  waiting to be called.  Unlike the week before,there was nothing to be done by me.  I simply was to wait.  Kind of parallels my vocation story.  About an hour later,I got the call to meet the Sister over the novices and we had a good chat in the speak room.  She sat on the cloister side with the grille separating us and I on the visitor side.  She came to go over the Divine Office with me and it was nice to get certain questions I had answered.  Since my main experience with the Liturgy of the Hours has mainly been in foreign languages.

From there it was quiet time, vespers, more quiet time, dinner, walk doing the rosary, more quiet time with spiritual reading, compline followed by matins, and then off to bed.  The following day I would arise at 5:30am for lauds, quiet time with spiritual reading, mass, terce, breakfast, quiet time, meet with Mother, sext, lunch, walk doing the rosary, quiet time with spiritual reading, and then the day continued as I had started the day before and again the cycle remains the following day.  Monastery life is set in routines and they date back to the early church.   I recently read the Rule of St. Benedict and many practices are still the same today.

The Sisters of Carmel spend their life devoted to prayer.  Just as St. Teresa of Avila (who had reformed the order 400 years before) and St. Therese of Lisieux had done in their lifetimes.  Prayer for the Church, the world, family, friends, priest, and those they have never met.  They pray in union with the entire church throughout the world through the Liturgy of the Hours but the prayer also continues during their work.  The Sisters mainly work on manual labor and task which do not require thoughts so they can keep their focus on God.

No matter the vocation, one will do in life, to be done well, they all require sacrifice.  For me and my personality, I know living this life would be the greatest sacrifice on my part.  But I know if it is Gods will, He will give the grace needed if I am simply obedient to Him.  Talking with Mother, it made me smile when she said, "none of us are worthy of this life but God picks us."  We alone are not worthy but God makes us worthy and part of that process is doing His will.

Even though the sisters I spoke with have been in the cloister life for thirty or more years, they still were up to date on the world.  In addition, both of them radiated joy in their vocation as well as shared beautiful thoughts on religious life and spirituality.  Avoiding small talk as well as idle talk, makes the words they say, mean that much more.  The Carmelites live in community but they live as hermits in community.  Exterior silence is a large part of whom they are.  

The Spirit never led me one way or another, so I am not ruling out the cloister life but will continue looking.  Next stop is with the Incarnate Word Sisters.

The Sisters of Mount Carmel have daily mass at 7:30am and it is open to the public, so if you have never been to a cloister it is a great opportunity to see one while getting to celebrate the Mass.  Their address is 5801 Mount Carmel, Arlington, Texas.  To participate in the Liturgy of the Hours, schedule a visit, or donate to the Sisters, contact Mother Anne Theresa at http://www.carmelnuns.com

Lent and our Pope

The season of lent is among us. Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday which for many of us, gives us a jump start in our spiritual lives. For the life of a Christian is always about constantly improving and recommitting to our baptismal promises.

During lent, we are given the opportunity to take a look within ourselves for self-examination and the church recommends prayer, fasting, and almsgiving to help us. For many, lent is just about giving up something but often this is very empty with no life-changing impact. In reality we should look at incorporating our Lenten exercises grounded in our pursuit of living an authentic Christian life... Aka our call to holiness.

Thus, when we decided to fast and deny ourself candy, alcohol, meat, etc during lent; we need to constantly think of those in the world whom do not get to eat, have fresh water to drink, etc. In addition, we become aware of how much we take for granted and we fail to give God true thanks for the abundance He has given us. Then as we are called to share our gifts, we can take that money that we would have spent on the item we are fasting from and in turn donate to a charity that can assist others. You see we profit nothing, if we decided to fast from dr. Pepper and instead switch to coke. Yes, my preference is dr. Pepper, but am I truly gaining something by switching to coke during lent. But instead, if i give up dr. Pepper and every time, I craze one or would have purchased once, I set aside the money I would have spent as well as think of those who go with out clean water. Then at the end donate it, to an organization that helps to bring food to those in need.. That would have been a good spiritual growth opportunity.

But lent and fasting does not only apply to food, we can also fast from hobbies that take away our time or attention from God.... Facebook, video games, movies, tv shows, etc. so in this, we might look at one of our activities which drains our time and is not helping us in our Christian lives so we decide to fast from it. In turn we take that extra time we now have to pray, read scripture, volunteer, attend daily mass, etc.

What I love about the church in so many ways, is the more I learn about it, the more sense I see it makes. For example, lent is a 40 day journey to grow in holiness. We see in the bible the significance of 40, but we also see Jesus taking 40 days in the wilderness to pray and there He was tempted. So during our 40 day journey we know we will be tempted, yet we also know God gives us the grace to overcome temptation. From a modern day culture, we often hear leadership experts tell us that if we desire to create a new habit or get rid of a bad habit, It takes 40 days. Long before modern psychology, the church knew the power of 40 days and now modern science supports this idea of 40 days to being a new person.... Huh, new person... That's what our baptism calls us to be!

The goal of lent and encouraging us to each do more fasting, praying, and almsgiving then we normally do, is to help each one of us to be stronger and better Christians then we were prior to lent, but our Lenten growth should not end when Easter comes. We should continue to grow and continue to outdo our previous years Lenten promises. For what great leader makes the same goals year after year... No they make goals that build off of the previous years goals.

One of the areas that I struggle in, is in my thoughts and words. So last year, I kept a little brown book in my pocket and wrote down each of my failures. This spiritual exercise made me aware of just how much or how often I had bad thoughts or engaged in bad conversations. Each time, i realized my failure, i pulled out the book and wrote in it and prayed for help as well as tried to say something positive about the person. As the season of lent continued, I noticed that I was being converted, in that I did not have to write in my book as often as I first had to do. So as part of my continued growth, this year I plan to say a decade of the rosary whenever I fail in my thoughts or words.

Last but not least, we enter the season of lent with pope Benedict the Xvi recent decision to leave the papal office. I have much respect for this great theologian and personally have been enriched by his leadership. I will mourn for the loss of this pope but I am also excited for whom God will have lead His people next. None of us have ever been in a role with as great of responsibility as that of the pope and yet in my small way I am processing his decision. A pope has not only the right but the duty to step down when he is no longer capable of being the head shepherd of the lords people. For a man that has always been seen striving to know God, love God, and serve God it should come as no surprise that upon him feeling, he was no longer able to best serve Gods people to whom God had entrusted Them to, that it was his duty to step down and freely leave the seat of Peter.

Pope Benedict xvi said: "After having repeatedly examined my conscience before God, I have come to the certainty that my strengths, due to an advanced age, are no longer suited to an adequate exercise of the Petrine ministry."

Each of us, have many roles and responsibilities and we must always make sure through prayer and examination of our conscience that we are serving God and putting His will and His people above our own desires and dreams. Sometimes, we get caught up in the status of the world or being the head of a ministry and somewhere we forget the reason we initially joined that ministry. Our pope has just shown true character, going from the greatest seat of honor to the lowest, according to our societies standards. He now plans to serve the church through a life dedicated to prayer since his abilities to serve physically and mentally are coming to an end.

So as lent begins, let us each commit to praying for the church and our leaders. Let us each give thanks to the witness that our pope has given us and that we too may examine our conscience to see where God is calling us and then not be afraid to go. We hear the words calling us this lent, "do not be afraid!"