Over the past two days I was able to FaceTime or Skype with my sister; parents; and sister-in-law and two nephews and it was great seeing them and being able to talk to them for the first time since I left directly but it was hard to say goodbye. I have always been bad with goodbyes and although I like closure, truth is I would rather skip out. That's why on my final day of work I said I was going to lunch and just did not come back- although, my staff caught me in the act and knew what was happening.

I know God gives of the strength to do whatever He wills us but I have always enjoyed a close relationship with my family and have a hard time imagining parting from them. This would be reason 2 why I would make a bad missionary. Reason 1, would be my horrible ability to speak a foreign language- 5 years of Spanish in high school and college and I am at un poco. Oh well, it was good seeing them and I am glad for my parents, apparently since I left my mom has been getting on her slow speed country connection three times a day trying to skype me.

Switching gears...

We are the light of the world, we are a city on a hill.... As I travel today from the Normandy area to Lourdes I get to spend 12 hours in route and I have been able to see some wonderful landscape. The song above keeps coming to mind as we pass small towns and villages where their church is placed on the hill. What I like best is how the church dominates the town and landscape... Not in scary I am going to eat you ogre way but in give God the glory and focus on Him kind of way.

In the old days our ancestors built their churches at the high points because to them it was a sign of being closer to heaven and that is what going to church is suppose to be all about- us getting closer to God and giving Him the glory. Many of you have heard or read Scott Hans works about the mass and how it is directly linked to heaven. Taking part over here with the religious communities is kind of neat because I cannot understand the words but get to enjoy their voices and it is like a choir of angels; especially during evening vespers.

The 3 Dead Men

Today was a nice day, it started off foggy and chilly but by the time I reached the top of mont st Michel the sun was shining bright and i shed down to my most basic layer. Mont st Michel is an incredible place it starts with religion and thrives on architectural feats that are truly impressive to the history of a country and then it returns back to its religious roots.

St Michael the archangel appeared in a dream and the construction on the mont on an island began. The construction was so impressive that it pulled the best talents of the age. The abbey was built at the top where the religious left the world to pray and work. This is when the monastery like all monasteries where busy creating by hand the bible and other religious manuscripts since the printing press was centuries away from creation. The abbey was built in three layers since it was built literally on the point of a rock. The crypt, bottom layer was for the poor pilgrims, the middle layer for the king and nobility, and the top layer for the religious only.

This is how it went for many years and pilgrims would come to this site. Well after centuries the French revolution came and wanted to overthrow power be it the king or the church. This is when destruction came to mont st Michel. They turned the abbey into a prison and destroy all religious articles- breaking stain glass, tearing up the tile floors, the paintings, etc. today they have restore the abbey to functional but not to it's former glory. In the cloister where the monks would go outside to mediate you can see the damage the revolutionaries did to anything religious - they busted the stone work of any image of Jesus, saints, etc but they did not harm the flower stone work.

To save money over the centuries they used the previous materials and so at one point in the 19th century they were able to find part of an old religious painting from the middle ages that had survived the revolution. The part that was saved was a picture of 3 dead men. In the middle ages mont st Michel had become a site for pilgrims so it was the churches duty to save souls and educate. The peasants could not read but a common image was 3 live and 3 dead men - each dress according to a different station in life. The point being the stuff we collect is nothing and all of us shall return to the earth - dust to dust but the soul lives forever- so where do you want to be heaven or hell. Each man makes this choice in his earthly life.

I was reading today that everyday we should think this is our last day and make sure we are ready for our end. In today's culture, live like you were dying means go do everything you want to do the bucket list and yet in medieval culture it was about making sure you were ready for heaven and your soul was saved. Amazing how time can so quickly change a concept.

I could not begin to recount the number of conversations that I had with students that they want to be in heaven when they die but that first they want to have fun and ignore teaching since we all view death as something much later in life.

I know I have not always been ready for my last day but so often I thought of people whom lives were cut short and that we never know when our last day will be but with most certainly that last day will be a surprise for us all - for we do not know our hour.

Today was a travel day, I said goodbye to my fellow pilgrims in lisieux at breakfast and had was able to take part in mass with the nuns at Carmel one final time. This morning the chill was in the air and I could see my breath as I walked the streets for the final time. The last mass was co-celebrated by the same priest that had celebrated the mass in the crypts in the basilica two days prior. The priest was one of those people that radiates Christ light -even without knowing all the words he spoke.

Fun fact about lisieux - after walking the city for days I finally realized the blue painted line in the city takes the pilgrim to and from each religious site on the St Therese pilgrimage. Literally follow the yellow brick road turned into 'we're off to see therese,the wonderful therese of lisieux...follow follow the blue painted line!'

I then spent the next 5 hours in route to pontoroson where mont st Michel is at the abbey on the island. I had a stop for two hours in a small town on the way and hiked up to the highest part where they had built two churches and to grab a snack for the way. I was making good time, so then I hiked down to the bottom part of the village. I got back to train station in time for my train and arrived in pontoroson. I was picked up by Paul, a charming man that would take me to st marcan where I will spend the next two days. Paul and his wife Jane moved here a years ago and purchased the 234 year old building and began running a b&b/hostel from it. They are lovely and truly have a servant hearts. The bottom line of their message is you only have one life, so live it without regret. It is nice to hear this message, today as I road the train this was my thoughts to God (yes I'm keeping this blog and my god talks for me separately but it is appropriate so I will share this one)
Messages to God

Oh God there are times when I think this is all but a dream and that I should awake to find myself going into work to be with my students and telling amusing stories that entertain. But then, I think no this is to be my life. My life of traveling to where you call me and doing what you would have me to with my life. On this trip, i read that the missionaries job is to travel from town spreading the good news and although their direction might change this does not. It really does still seem odd that I will not return to my job, the only one I have known in my adult life and where the past 10 years so much of time was spent. Give me the strength to follow through- to stay true and not get discouraged. In Christ name!

then literally 4 hours later, there is this couple there giving me the encouragement. Yes God is present and yes He answers!

So I am in st marcan and was told of a great restaurant just up the hill. So since tonight was going to be a relaxing night, i decided to take the walk. Well the nice walk turned into a 5k literally, it was 5ks up the hill and the restaurant had signs every 800m after the first 2k so you did not get discouraged. Well the good news is, I am at the top of st marcan and the 5k home will be all downhill and the cider (apparently this is cider country) will make the walk pleasant. Either way, I am enjoying the pleasant views and the beauty of the hills.

Silence & Speech

As i have previously mentioned, my ability to speak French has prevented me from having many conversations and I have joked about drawing pictures to explain what I want or pointing to a word for the place I seek. But the reality is this force silence- part my choosing (since I came on this trip knowing I did not try to learn the language) and part God allowing, has caused me to be able to do more internal thinking as well as more communicating with God.

I brought with me to read my bible and the imitation of Christ and each day I have enjoyed the spiritual lessons that continue to unfold. Although I had read it before, I wanted a small book to hike with and one that I could read over and over again and never get tired of. It's an old Christian classic but still a great read. It was actually when I was reading story of a soul by st Therese of lisieux that i came to find out about imitation of christ by Thomas Kempis. As a child it was a book that st therese read and she would constantly recite from. Oh, the formation that Therese would receive from this book. Back on topic, so I was reading from it and it talked about seeking silence rather then spending time in idle gossip.

After all gossip rarely has ever done any good for me and usually from what people have told me, i get more upset then had I not know anything to begin with. Yet we cannot help but seek gossip or can we? Easy to say for the person that is unable to communicate with anyone face to face! I will admit that the majority of my confessions have had to do with my speech or thoughts. To grow inwardly, first I became aware of how often I was doing this- the root of this sin for me was judging others. But the bible tells us to not judge and yet I still fall short more often then I would like to admit. You see spiritual growth is an internal growth and the outside might look good but we know when the inside is dirty.... No matter who else thinks it is clean.

All of our speech should be worthy. Oh, I do not even think I could begin to count the pointless conversations that I have had in my life. I think about the amount of time spent talking and being responsible for others and now to be at a point where I am responsible for no one as well as no one but God to talk to and I think I could live the life of a hermit... but then I enjoy talking too much. Like two nights ago at dinner, I was served dinner and had not a clue what kind of meat it was , did it come from a cow, pig, chicken, etc and I thought that Kristina and Ben would get a kick out of my dilemma.

Anyways, my challenge for myself, will be to use this time to work on my spiritual muscle of silence; so that when I am around friends and family again, that I will not participate in gossip but rather only speech that lifts up. I would also challenge you to do the same, begin my simply recording when you partake (listening counts) to gossip. Of course, sometimes you are one that one comes to as a counselor and this does not mean you should turn the person away but rather be select in who you discuss you feelings, thoughts, and concerns with as the person should be wiser then you as well as have a love for the Lord.

As I set in the Carmel chapel in lisieux, I think about how st Therese had a nun that bother her and instead of being annoyed, st Therese gave it to God and loved her even more to the point that the nun thought she was Therese's favorite. I remember in college that in my group, intervarsity there were two people that for what ever reason annoyed me - literally anything they did annoyed me and yet they had done no harm to me. I remember praying every night for about a month to love them and my heart was opened and I was able to love them sincerely and form friendships with them. As previously posted, we just need to ask our God. If we open our heart to God then He will open it to the world.

Lisieux

Upon arriving in lisieux, I felt an overwhelming emotion to cry. This destination was a large part the desire for my journey and now I am in the town which the little flower would spend the majority of her life.

St therese of lisieux, the little flower is considered one of the great saints of the church. She is a modern saint and taught spirituality from that as a child whom looks to her father. It was st Therese that upon reading her book as well as the many books about her ( including the yellow notebook written by her sister of her last sayings from her deathbed) that I came to understand the role of saints. Before, like many Catholics and Protestants I thought they were good people but I just go to God. But you see in my understanding, the saints help lead us to God. In the basicilia in lisieux there is an amazing mosaic directly above the altar and it illustrates the point perfectly. Mary (mother of Jesus) is on one side and st theres is on the other side and they are lifting back Christ cloak to show Him to the sheep. Mary and the saints do not take away Gods glory, rather they point us to give God the glory. End side note. Now back to my story...

So last August through November was a very stressful time in my life. I was beyond over extended. The new school year was always the busiest and I went from 3 campuses to serving 5 campuses, I had bought a fixer upper to rent, flip, or move into (really did not have a clue), I had a new residence life coordinator, the haunt did not sale so I decided in September to open for another season, and finally I was working on a church team for another parish. My plate was full and like most of my life I began juggling balls and was committed to growing spiritually even amongst the crazy schedule. Was life got real and devil is always waiting and my sleep began to get cut short. I was getting about 3 hours a sleep a night. I went about two months before talking to a few friends. Eventually, it got bad and I knew that this was a test of will but I was ready or some rest. In the first week of November, I went to Indiana to crash my sisters conference and see my family. I planned to go see the archdiocese where my grandmother had worked at as well as go to the church that I was baptized at, the Little Flower.

I went to the Little Flower in what is now the bad part of town and found all the doors locked. This felt a bit like my life, then a man walked up and without having to give my story, he saw the look in my eyes and unlocked the church. I entered to see the church I was baptized as a tourist more or less and immediately knelt at the side altar where a statue of st Therese was and next to her the child Jesus. I broke down and began to wept (yes I am using the word wept not cry). I tried to pray a rosary but i was unable to get the words out through my emotion. I told God it felt like it was more than I could bare but that if this was His will that I wanted to embrace it and accept my cross. I asked st Therese to pray to me ( just as I had asked close friends to do), as a Christian we believe in life after death which certainly means they can pray for us in heaven just as sure as you or I could pray here. After a while I got the overwhelming since of peace and I knew everything was to be okay. I stood up and looked around at the parish of my baptism- I found a side chapel where the Eucharist was out in the monstrance and I knelt in prayer and mediated on the mysteries of the rosary. From that day forward I did not have the problems as I had have for the past three months and it sealed my growing love for st Therese.

I do not have my book from st Therese so the exact quote might be off but she died at a young age and knowing death was soon to come for her she said, "I will spend my heaven doing good on earth, I will shower the world with roses.". On times when I have been low, I have had a rose given to me or smelled the scents of roses where none are in the area and I know she is true to her word.

Pilgrim places

Since this trip is a personal pilgrimage and for a very long time Christians have gone to the sites of Christ and saints that have come before us, I feel like today sharing some parts of this trip thus far as it applies to the pilgrim.

In 2003 I was able to go to Rome and the Vatican with my mom and sister and we were able to explore all the treasures which the church has guarded through the centuries. I am a big fan of preserving history and I learn best through hands on or discussion- so for me to see a major site or see an item does more than merely reading about it. in my opinion the relics and history of the church in italy are greater than what France might have; but I did not have the same perspective that I did 9 years ago on this trip- so I treasure more now the Christians that have come before us and led the way for me.

To begin with we will start at the chapel of the miraculous medal in Paris. This is where Mary appeared to saint Catherine and where the image for the miraculous medal takes shape. There was Catherine's body preserved without decay for the last 136 years - simply a miracle and one that cannot be scientifically explained. I have read of a handful of saints after their death during the beatification process were removed from their original graves and found to be perfectly preserve. I didn't doubt this to be true but upon seeing it in person- it makes you stop and give praise for miracles which we can see, that tell us we are on the right path.

From there we will go to Norte dame cathedral in Paris. The church is very large and many tourist were walking through but I am not sure if people really understand the history that is there before them - it's more than an architectural achievement or beautiful stain glass. Off in a side chapel there are many relics of saints as well as beautiful symbols of our faith that have been ornately designed to try and show the majesty of God. In the center of this great room and behind glass is a cross. Many people walk buy seeing a fancy cross but this cross holds history of our Lords passion in both a nail and wood from the cross. It was wonderful to go from seeing items that were used from our lords passion to being able to partake in the mass all at the same location. As a general practice when the priest consecrates the host I internally always think of our Lords choice to suffer for us and during the consecration of the wine I think of accepting the chalice He has chosen for me. So you can see how special seeing those pieces before mass was for me.

Finally, we come to Chartres where the cathedral has had an amazing history for Christians. Here in this cathedral they have a veil of Mary as well as the church goes back to the 4th century- fire and destruction from war have occurred in the church but the oldest church walls go to this time frame and the veil of Mary was preserved each time. The church as it is today is built above the crypts. The church is undergoing renovation which is much needed and they are doing great work ( there are some comparison photos below). This morning I was able to attend mass in the crypt. At mass there were so many different people based on our nationalities but like Christians before us, we are all brought together as one body of believers. Even though the mass is in a different native tongue for many of us we are still able to share through Christ- truly remarkable when you think about it. The fact that our religion traces it roots back to the beginning and we are connected to all the brothers and sisters that have come before us as well as all that will come after us is truly amazing to think about. Hence catholic means universal- we all believe the same ( no matter our background).

Our faith is real and Christ is just as present today as He was 2000 years ago and for every age in history we can see active Christians preserving the faith so you and I can enjoy it and know about it today. Many of you know that I am fascinated by the dead sea scrolls discovered in 1947 and what that means for Christianity and the world. For a lot of the doubting Thomas's it proved beyond a doubt that what we have as the old testament bible today, was a valid translation from a very religious group of jews who lived in the wilderness following God during jesus time (since the temple was no longer valid). These documents were found in Hebrew and were about a thousand years older then other documents found in Hebrew. Off side note - so what I am trying to say is simply... As I explore these towns and churches I am indebted to them for preserving our faith as well as I am blessed to be able to see them and experience them as Christians for hundreds of years have been able to do.

So my last post talked about being led through the city and not getting lost but instead being taken to a place that I had not planned for but was happy to be at upon my arrival. (yes I realized that was a bit of a run on- disclaimer)

I kind of think that travel is a bit like life. As previously mentioned - I walk up to someone and either point at the map where I want to be or show them a piece of paper that I have scribbled on the name - they then point me in the direction with lots of hand motions and words -i simply respond merci with my confident look and head off. Remember this as I promise to come back...

So I was able to spend a night at the sacred heart basilica where I would get to take part in vespers, compline, mass, and finally night adoration. I realized i was running late for evening vespers - so with my backpack i went running up the streets and many many steps to the basilica in about 10 minutes and I thought it was going to kill me- lets just say the days of me wearing my bunker gear and scba and running up the stairs at kerr hall are long gone.

After night vespers I wander around and enjoyed the people and places behind sacred heart. I have to say it was pleasant to walk around in Paris and not smell urine. I guess that is the price parisians pay for making others pay for their toilets!

So then I headed back to the bascilica and went to check in for night adoration. The nuns were very nice and everyone was unsure if we each really understood the other. Most everyone for night adoration was a local and showed up with small bags and me and the hikers pack stood out. One of the other women there for adoration in the check in lobby began to talk to me about the camino and that she had hiked it for 8 days and hopes to be able to hike all of it one day. She was very pleasant and at compline we would sit together. It was nice because I had some questions about certain times they had bowed during night vespers and she told me that it was in respect when they said the father, son, and holy spirit. So my French skills have started by saying in French when I do the sign of the cross. She also taught me how to say peace be with you in french but alas i have already forgotten that after i used it at that one mass. She asked if i had been to adoration before and i told her in the states but not at the basicilica. She gave me some updates about the schedule and said the nuns had told her to just ask, ask, ask the Lord and to give Him everything and then to trust during your time. She said sometimes what we ask for is not what God wants and this is where trust comes in. She spoke with such passion and the passion this women had made me think of Barbara Jean and how her faith during adoration had help form my faith. During the mass during the sign of peace - the woman just embraced me for a hug and in her greeting was such reassurance for my journey and my call. I would only see her again as we passed in silence in the corridor for our evening shifts but I will say she was absolutely amazing and it was nice to have my first real conversation with someone about faith.

My shift was 5am after getting to bed sometime after midnight (it felt like an ACTS desert). I woke excited and head down from the cells to the bascilica. The church was in complete silence and it was very dark. Only some candles from earlier remained lit in the side chapels and only three lights were on for the entire church - one on the ambo where the word of God is proclaim, one on the altar - where He becomes real for us, and finally on the the monstrance. The monstrance is set high above and in the low lighting you could not see all the artwork from earlier... Now the focus was solely on adoring Christ.

There were a handful of others there but I did not notice them and enjoyed this time with God. It was the exact opposite of the basilica earlier when tourist where coming in and out during the mass and walking in the side chapels.

So I started with the pray formula - praise, repent, ask (there is my friends word), and yield. The words all came very easy and it was after the ask part that I felt the greatest peace during yield. For those that know me you know what question I ask and so as I previously said we would come back to this. Our life will be like asking for directions in a foreign language. We will continue to ask God and go in the direction until we are unsure if we are still going the right path. Then we need to stop - ask and yield to here His answer. I used to give God multiple choices but what if He does not like that style? After all I think He is more of a essay kind of guy! So I am going to attempt and change myself to ask open-ended questions instead of multiple choice.

Thought of the morning- what kind. Of questions are you asking God.